Words that roll down like tears.

Yesterday was another one of those painfull days where you're taken away from the peace in heaven's clouds and thrown back at the despair of the deep abyss.

It was a tough day specially for the many things i noticed defective in my life up 'till now, and it made me realise it wasn't going to be easy to pursue a better life (even tought, i was thinking it was impossible, back then).

As a way of relieving myself, i started writting my pain down, and so this poem came as the words rolled down from my pen like tears from my face.


The Sadness of me.

Sometimes i feel tired of watching it all pass like this,
without doing nothing to help myself,
out of this unpleasant daily struggle,
this suffocating stress,
with every aspect of my disappointing mess.

I'm the victim of misfortune, maybe destiny,
and i can't do anything to fix it,
for the damage was too much,
my heart is not brand new,
as it tries it's best to conceal,
its working missing most of it's pieces, beating faintly,
crumbling down, with the winds,
that come gently showing,
the cold peace only death brings.

While i still can't leave,
for i am bound to the friends i made over here,
and the promises i made to them,
i wish i could go, and finally discover,
what it feels to have a full heart again,
meet new horizons of white and blue,
to forget i've ever knew the meaning of pain.

That's the place i'll call "home",
for i've never felt at place in this world,
and i'll wait to meet a person there,
a new happy "me", not sad, like this one.


[DB]

One of the certain things in life is the end, that's something keeps me less nervous.

So Long 11...be gone.

Honestly, of all the years that i've been through, this last one won't be missed, it was a tough one, with many problems on my own, just a few good things to remember, and the main struggle against one of the biggest lies in my life, my family.

In general i've learned a painful(truly painful) lot, about myself, about people around, about the things that surround me, and the things i've learned weren't pleasant, to think that getting older is to get bitter as well, i would never have wanted to grow up.

So then, the result of all that happened, is that i've cultivated inside me a parasite that keeps crawling inside my head, and telling me to get out, to make my life better, not only that, but to make it my own, and i expect to do so too, to be responsible for my decisions and only, and not to blame for whatever my parents did to their lives.

And if it still isn't clear to see, what i'm trying to say, is that i'm going to pursue violently and without stopping the chance to be happy by myself, without depending on anyone, without needing anyone, simply 'cause i'm absurdly pissed off and fed up with all the crap that's been going on, fucking me up and destroying my life.

This is a scream for the whole world to hear, and i'll shout it from the abyss i'm in, cause one day i'll arrise from it, and bring my fists to the face of whoever made my life this mess.

And it doesn't matter how long it takes, but i'll make it...

[DB]

Fuck you, shitty world!!

Schrödinger

Last night i spent some time trying to change my past actions, trying to find a way to make things different, so i went online and revised the characteristics of the Schrödinger's Equation, somehow, i ended up making a relation between the experiment, and how rumors work on people's minds.

I also wrote something about that, don't know if it can be called a poem, but whatever.
So the point is, if you make people belive in things that could happen they can antecipate the consequences, even if such is only a possibility, that being the kind of situation where you could possibly save someone, or lead the same person the it's death, it's an interesting concept, and hope to remember of it later, so i can explore the subject a lot more.

Then now, here's what i wrote:


Schrödinger's Cat

The cat is dead, and it is inside the box,
as an assumption of what some folks wanted to hear,
so the rumor spread and went outside the box,
killing everyone, because they all killed themselves
in despair, and fear of dying,
from the disease that haunts here.

As the many bodies fell to the cold ground,
the cat, who stood inside the box, was alive,
and decided to take a walk among the dead,
seeing no one to play with, he returned to
the box, where he decided to die.

And, when the cat died inside the box, the people
once again alive, were watching the cat's lifeless,
body inside the box.

[DB]


I think i'm the cat, but in the world we all live today, everyone is a cat.

The Old Sour Poems

Recently, i haven't wrote much, mostly because my life is running a little too fast, besides that, i've been taking my spare time to listen to some of the 80's rock and reading some nice books bit to renew my vocabulary, however, i've done a few poems in the meanwhile, but instead of posting all of them at once, i decided to post one-a-day so that the blog doesn't look as dead as it does now.

Situations in my personal life haven't helped much either, the last psychological experiment i made with myself failed, and only made me hate people a lot more than i used to, it's almost like as if i can't get very near them, or else...and that's really about as good as it gets when i'm in a bad mood (and for people's information, i'm always in a bad mood, exceptions are rare cases, and happen almost never).

Anyways, the poem, here it is, and i belive this first one, describes my feelings at the moment.


Grudge

People lost sense of what's right,
i'll tell 'em what i care for,
when i lose my mind, and break them down,
perhaps give in to the hate some more.

'Cuz no matter how long the walk takes,
the pathway to nowhere doesn't seem to
make me forget, that i got many old problems,
so many that i can even call it..."habit".

And so much for pacifism,
what does it help when you're on the smokes,
burning out every bit of yourself,
like coal for the engine that whistles.

"Out of Patience" explains my disorder,
the reason i want to murder my feelings
is the reason that made my heart "Out of Order"
people's actions which dragged me here,
the many things that cause them problems.

Oh the true grudge i have,
i wish to let it out,
so toxic,
it needs to flow out,
of my heart,
while it poisons me,
may it be the antidote,
for the hipocricy of the lot,
and the like.

[DB]

I was thinking about changing my usual last lines, that i always do in the posts, but why care? after all they're always just me ranting about some shit that happened, or the subject of the post...ah to hell with that, it's not a priority.

Straying Far

Oh well, hello there people, how were things in the mid-time?Personally, i don't give a bird's shit about that, and it might seem to be rude of me to behave in such manner, although most of individuals, passerbies, protagonists, antagonists and the like treated me the same way as shown on the lines above.
This last weekend i got to think about it for the 15 minutes of my half-an-hour bath (usually the only time of the day i get to think about stuff that doesn't concern n'or changes my repetitive life, in a philosophical analisis), surprisingly, the subject made me ask myself of how would it be if i tried that behavior for the sake of experimental purposes, also known as "Being Bored".
I made it through today, precisely 2/5 of the weekdays carrying the selfish, egocentric, and acid mindset, pretty much it resumes as an exercise (of course not for the unstable of heart or mind), of changing your "viewpoint" for the period of five consecutive days, acting like the usual, but in moments of reflection about practically anything that comes to your head, you observe them and describe, in a notepad or notebook, as a person of the choosen mindset would do.

Now, the whole experience is not a terrible way of putting yourself into someone else's shoes or at least understand how do you view those who think "that way". I for example picked the one i like to call "Parallel Citzen", "parallel" for the fact it completely ignores the action-reaction happening around him almost cynically, leading him to believe in a self-generated lie that the world does not influentiate neither changes it's life.
I always had the curiosity of understanding why those people actually seem to be a lot happier than me, because in their tiny-little brains, they just fake every kind of alibi to prettend they don't have anything to do with anyone, not even the basic human ethics of life, society, classes, hierarchy and so on.

And for my surprise i'm on to something with this, i'm starting to understand the explanation for those things, and sadly, i'm liking what i'm getting to.

Let's hope i don't end up like them, i can only hope.
[DB]

A Devil's Tongue

One might spend his whole life thinking of ways to change his own fate, others just chase blindly what awaits them beyond the door, i like to shape my own destiny to my will.

Many would think it's quite impossible to play with these things, although, i'd say it's easy as a game of chess. After a certain amount of time playing with the same opponent, you come to realise the pattern of it's moves, with nothing but the king, the priest, and the queen, you'd be left to die in the board, however, it takes a desperate sight, to conclude that those are the most mobile pieces, and you just had your way cleared of the lowly peons and unworthy knights.

Takes a will of iron, and a swift hand of steel, to prevent the incoming losses, yet at the same time advance to point your sword to the neck of the opposing sovereign. With all your might, you have only one chance in this fight, it's only one chance in this life.

As some say, i do have a devil's tongue, and i can't help but thank the one whore who gave me birth, and stained my mortal existance with the dark tones of sin, who taught me everything that is unforgivable in the eyes of God.

[DB]

The Dark Side of the Smiling Moon.

This week has been a tough one, dealing with people while studying for the exams wasn't an easy task. Days were boring, tiresome, and annoying all the same, and of course i got mixed up in some problems, but i managed to resolved them as usual, letting them colide and destroy themselves in the crash.

While returning from school, sometimes i get to see the moon smiling upon me, a sign that i'm not alone, that no matter where i'll be, she's always going to be there, watching over me, and smiling, even in the worst times, giving me hope to move on, and showing me that everything is temporary, and soon enough i'll be with her, up there in the night sky.

Anyways, a changing point in my life is about to come, i can faintly feel it, but as soon as i get to finish school this year, i can start making plans for my future, and most importantly, be able to make them work. It's in times like these that i feel relieved, to notice that phases in my life are passing, time is moving slowly, and everything is functioning, meaning that it's just a matter of will and luck to change the story i'm living, in a way that pleases me.

I hope things come to a point where i get able to choose my own path, by my own hand.

[DB]