Back in the Dark Place, aren't we?

Don't you just love when life decides to crush your dreams in a finger snap, quick and swiftly making you depressed and feeling hopeless?

Well... I don't.

When i come to think of the way i want my life to be, i see a beautiful sepia dream, with bright lights, soft tones and sweet, sweet serenity. And when i stop to think of how can i get there, and the obstacles i would have to cross in order to achieve this dream, i suddenly start panicking inside my head, in a quiet despair that goes along for just too long.

It's no surprise everything seems more dificult to me than it does to anybody else, considering the amount of disapointment i've already experienced in my life, the simple act of taking a step forward always fills you up with more than a generous dose of doubt, impotence, weakness and so on. I couldn't simply put on words what if feels like to take a chance, knowing you're already going to fail, hoping for a miracle, and then, you just lose, that's the easiest way to explain the déjà vu that is my life.


Anyways, like always, i'll be showing something i wrote.
This time, it's somewhat of a prayer that i'm going to get engraved on a ring, so i can remember it when i need to.

The Lone Soul's Prayer


In the End of this Life,
may Death set me apart,
from the Pain and Sorrow,
that inhabits my Soul.

When my Time here is over,
may Death bring me Closer,
to Friends i Care for,
to the ones i Loved so.


[DB]


The line of thought of today is:
"The colors of the sky reflect the world. The sky is red like sin"

Something from Deep Within my Heart.

I'm sorry for not writting here the last few months, i've been trying to get my life in shape properly, finding a job, looking at things positively, building up good relationships, and, as you probably have guessed, i did not succeed again.

Amidst sadness and despair of time moving to slow for me, another amount of my hope, faith and sanity has been taken away from me, but i'm so used to it by now that i don't bother with it at all, it's my the routine.

What bothers me is that i really try my best whenever an opportunity comes up, and i never get my chance to prove myself as a reliable individual, as a competent professional, or anything else, no matter how hard i try. Giving up still doesn't seem like the right thing to do, considering that i allow myself to have at least one wish come true in this miserable life of mine, to die in order to save someone, and sacrifice my life for another that really deserves it, but believe me or not, even that is going to be hard one to make work.

The world of today is so wrong in so many ways, people are going literally "moral-blind", and to me that's the sign of two major things, one is that the people are becoming desperate and striving to survive in such a hostile environment, and the other is that the world is completely out of hope, and permanently unable to recover from the state it is now, thus, we are living in the pre-stage of an endless "New Dark Age".

I've also allowed myself, again, to express my feelings through words, and i did wrote some poems, a few lyrics and many small lines of thought i'd be happy to share here, so probably i will be writting here a little more often in the upcoming months.

Here's something from deep within my heart:

Hate Towards God.


This is oddly bad,
absurdly unconvenient,
inconsiderate,
and very, very sad.

Once again i fall in my constant,
unfair, daily struggle against God,
who always defeats me triumphantly.

I can not prettend to accept,
a "superior being" to whom we all own respect,
who should watch for us all,
and yet,
let us live in such a land so disgraceful, miserable, and foul.

It could be described, the moment i'm living,
as a living Hell.
But it feels more like purgatory,
as nothing changes,
nothing good happens,
i feel stuck with my feet in the plain floor,
and i don't feel at all, "Well".

This is not a song,
it is not a poem,
it is the written, residual disposal of all that pollutes my mind,
all that drowns my lungs,
and make me choke while i'm breathing,
that sickens my heart,
and spreads to my veins,
poisons my soul,
again,
again,
and again!

I wish,
and beg for an answer.
I bleed,
as i ask for some guidance.

"Why, God?"
"Why is life in this land so hard for me?"

He laughs at my face,
he always does.
He mocks me with all he can,
lightning and storm,
misfortune and scorn.

The hate, causes my sanity to fade,
as a consequence to what my weary eyes see.
A reality which looks more like a bloody nightmare,
a world that's not made for me.

Still, shall i be defeated and broken,
i will stand my ground, unchanged,
for my words need not to be spoken.

"The day i fall, may the sun not shine a light,
for i will hunt you down, God, and make of it
a dreadfull sight."

[DB]

And today, my line of thought of the day will be:

"Roses wither as time goes by, so does the heart"

I am made of nothing, and in the nothing i reside.

It took me sometime to write the blog again since i've been very busy recently, pondering about my existence as well as my reason for being in this world, all while being occupied with daily chores, prohibiting myself from leaving my personal quarters oftenly, let alone the other near rooms, and the apartment itself.

During a very unpleasant conversation with a friend of mine (not much of a "friend" right now),
i came to stitch a few words together making such a phrase if i recall properly:

"...I am made of nothing, when i'm gone, the sky will still be set, and to the nothing i will come back."

Well, needless to say, she probably didn't like or couldn't understand what i'd said, replied in a very rude tone, and kept lecturing me about the way i (do not) react to certain difficulties in my life. I for one, do not aprove neither apreciate ignorance, and if someone can't comprehend a message as simple as that, then the least i can do is turn my back, and head somewhere else, preferably a place where my thoughts can be at least respected, after all i don't think people should agree with everything i say, however, people should respect each others way of seeing things, it's a basic knowledge required for living alongside one or more people, either you accept it or you can live inside a cave.

Now, back to the meaning of the title, what i meant by the phrase, is a simple question i made to myself, and answered right after a good while thinking. What am i? What am i, in the essence of it? The answer: "I am nothing, before i was born there was nothing, and after i die, there will be nothing. I can make all the efforts to make my mark in this world, but one day, it will disappear, innevitably, and it's not like i am telling people to stop trying, i'm trying to explain a fact, that many struggle to accept, the end."

After a certain point in this life, sometime ago,
i learned to accept the end, and embrace it,
you can't run from it, but you also don't know when it'll come,
so do all you can, the best you can,
what makes you happy, what feels alright,
don't give in to the restrictions,
as for now, that's all,
when the end comes,
we'll all be nothing,
as we were in times before.



[DB]


...Sounded a little bit too poetic?
Well, i can't help it, the human soul is so much, and yet so little,
and repeating what said during the end of the mentioned conversation in the post:
"...I know the truth, but i don't have to accept it, as i'd rather believe in different place for, with no more pain and sadness."

Words that roll down like tears.

Yesterday was another one of those painfull days where you're taken away from the peace in heaven's clouds and thrown back at the despair of the deep abyss.

It was a tough day specially for the many things i noticed defective in my life up 'till now, and it made me realise it wasn't going to be easy to pursue a better life (even tought, i was thinking it was impossible, back then).

As a way of relieving myself, i started writting my pain down, and so this poem came as the words rolled down from my pen like tears from my face.


The Sadness of me.

Sometimes i feel tired of watching it all pass like this,
without doing nothing to help myself,
out of this unpleasant daily struggle,
this suffocating stress,
with every aspect of my disappointing mess.

I'm the victim of misfortune, maybe destiny,
and i can't do anything to fix it,
for the damage was too much,
my heart is not brand new,
as it tries it's best to conceal,
its working missing most of it's pieces, beating faintly,
crumbling down, with the winds,
that come gently showing,
the cold peace only death brings.

While i still can't leave,
for i am bound to the friends i made over here,
and the promises i made to them,
i wish i could go, and finally discover,
what it feels to have a full heart again,
meet new horizons of white and blue,
to forget i've ever knew the meaning of pain.

That's the place i'll call "home",
for i've never felt at place in this world,
and i'll wait to meet a person there,
a new happy "me", not sad, like this one.


[DB]

One of the certain things in life is the end, that's something keeps me less nervous.

So Long 11...be gone.

Honestly, of all the years that i've been through, this last one won't be missed, it was a tough one, with many problems on my own, just a few good things to remember, and the main struggle against one of the biggest lies in my life, my family.

In general i've learned a painful(truly painful) lot, about myself, about people around, about the things that surround me, and the things i've learned weren't pleasant, to think that getting older is to get bitter as well, i would never have wanted to grow up.

So then, the result of all that happened, is that i've cultivated inside me a parasite that keeps crawling inside my head, and telling me to get out, to make my life better, not only that, but to make it my own, and i expect to do so too, to be responsible for my decisions and only, and not to blame for whatever my parents did to their lives.

And if it still isn't clear to see, what i'm trying to say, is that i'm going to pursue violently and without stopping the chance to be happy by myself, without depending on anyone, without needing anyone, simply 'cause i'm absurdly pissed off and fed up with all the crap that's been going on, fucking me up and destroying my life.

This is a scream for the whole world to hear, and i'll shout it from the abyss i'm in, cause one day i'll arrise from it, and bring my fists to the face of whoever made my life this mess.

And it doesn't matter how long it takes, but i'll make it...

[DB]

Fuck you, shitty world!!

Schrödinger

Last night i spent some time trying to change my past actions, trying to find a way to make things different, so i went online and revised the characteristics of the Schrödinger's Equation, somehow, i ended up making a relation between the experiment, and how rumors work on people's minds.

I also wrote something about that, don't know if it can be called a poem, but whatever.
So the point is, if you make people belive in things that could happen they can antecipate the consequences, even if such is only a possibility, that being the kind of situation where you could possibly save someone, or lead the same person the it's death, it's an interesting concept, and hope to remember of it later, so i can explore the subject a lot more.

Then now, here's what i wrote:


Schrödinger's Cat

The cat is dead, and it is inside the box,
as an assumption of what some folks wanted to hear,
so the rumor spread and went outside the box,
killing everyone, because they all killed themselves
in despair, and fear of dying,
from the disease that haunts here.

As the many bodies fell to the cold ground,
the cat, who stood inside the box, was alive,
and decided to take a walk among the dead,
seeing no one to play with, he returned to
the box, where he decided to die.

And, when the cat died inside the box, the people
once again alive, were watching the cat's lifeless,
body inside the box.

[DB]


I think i'm the cat, but in the world we all live today, everyone is a cat.

The Old Sour Poems

Recently, i haven't wrote much, mostly because my life is running a little too fast, besides that, i've been taking my spare time to listen to some of the 80's rock and reading some nice books bit to renew my vocabulary, however, i've done a few poems in the meanwhile, but instead of posting all of them at once, i decided to post one-a-day so that the blog doesn't look as dead as it does now.

Situations in my personal life haven't helped much either, the last psychological experiment i made with myself failed, and only made me hate people a lot more than i used to, it's almost like as if i can't get very near them, or else...and that's really about as good as it gets when i'm in a bad mood (and for people's information, i'm always in a bad mood, exceptions are rare cases, and happen almost never).

Anyways, the poem, here it is, and i belive this first one, describes my feelings at the moment.


Grudge

People lost sense of what's right,
i'll tell 'em what i care for,
when i lose my mind, and break them down,
perhaps give in to the hate some more.

'Cuz no matter how long the walk takes,
the pathway to nowhere doesn't seem to
make me forget, that i got many old problems,
so many that i can even call it..."habit".

And so much for pacifism,
what does it help when you're on the smokes,
burning out every bit of yourself,
like coal for the engine that whistles.

"Out of Patience" explains my disorder,
the reason i want to murder my feelings
is the reason that made my heart "Out of Order"
people's actions which dragged me here,
the many things that cause them problems.

Oh the true grudge i have,
i wish to let it out,
so toxic,
it needs to flow out,
of my heart,
while it poisons me,
may it be the antidote,
for the hipocricy of the lot,
and the like.

[DB]

I was thinking about changing my usual last lines, that i always do in the posts, but why care? after all they're always just me ranting about some shit that happened, or the subject of the post...ah to hell with that, it's not a priority.