As i grow old, i've come to realize that friendship is a little too rare to be found or made, the old friends i had, all strayed far from me, and i keep walking alone, like a diseased animal, left out of the group for being weak.
Just when i thought i could count on somebody, i got stabbed in the back again, i should start listening to myself, and stop trusting people, or else it will get worse...if you could only know how much my heart screams for vengeance, i wish i could only get a gun and rampage killing everyone in my sight, yet, once again, if i stood alive somehow i'd end up sick with an overwhelming guilt haunting my life to the last days of it.
Of one thing i'm sure, this world isn't my place, i don't belong here, but i must acomplish something and i still don't know what, but makes sense if you get the idea of a personal purpose, and makes even more sense if you think of it as the only bound that keeps me living, an unknown chain that locks me on the ground of my own defeat.
Sadly i haven't found out how to get over it, as if it weren't obvious from the begining, love once again disapointed me, is there love in this world after all?
...perhaps it might be my purpose to find real love, i could even consider it loving someone, but i already do, and it doesn't take much to be my friend especially if you (pretend) are someone with ideals, and some (fake) loyalty, i'm a loyal friend, and i promised myself to never leave none of my friends in need until their last minutes, however, i wish i could meet someone like this to be my friend.
I do remember the time i used to talk to myself through my diary it felt like walking side by side with a younger me, and now it makes me smile faintly, perhaps i'm just another note on that book, and an older me is by my side at the moment, trying to make me feel better, that's the kind of connection, that i can't get anywhere else, and no one else can comprehend.
I don't know if it's love, but i do feel like i'm the only one who can understand me,
breaking the barrier of time and space to confort myself in another reality, another time, it's quite strange, but it's easy to understand once you're used to it.
Take care, young man, i'll be watching you, take care of me too.
[DB] to [DB]
segunda-feira, 2 de maio de 2011
terça-feira, 26 de abril de 2011
Exams are fine...BUT NOT WHEN IT'S COLD!
It took me sometime, and some strength of will to make me write here again, however, this time i'm not sad, nor depressed, i'm tired, and lazy...and sleepy, that all being said, 'cuz the temperature felt a lot over here, and since i'm the kind of person that "hibernates", i would really enjoy staying at home, filling myself with food, and sleeping, that being possible, if i weren't in the middle of the first exams, in my stupid school.
Say, it's quite anoying that it doesn't snow over here, since i could use an excuse to stay at home, and still delay the exams, but, i consider it a rare possibility since i'm rather the unlucky type.
So here we go with another poem, i've done, and was made to represent the susceed failures on my "dream-only" realationships, hope you like it.
Pale White to Cobalt Blue
The sky is dark again,
a smog of pitch-darkness fills the air,
pillars of thick black clouds,
and a storm shows my pain.
Woman, you should 'ave better learned,
not to play with fire,
a grown man's heart is as thin,
to crumble with desire.
And i was just a little fool,
a piece on your game,
now i am useless to you,
i'm the one to blame.
Boys and girls,
sing this song,
before they go to bed,
the roulette rolls,
rolls-a-rolls,
so by the morning,
they're not dead.
So were my expectations,
when i asked you for pardon,
you closed your eyes,
and kissed me Darling
i called the feeling,
my "free-falling".
Well how was it Darling,
is the taste sweet,
now that i'm a man who can't breath,
who can't love,
who cannot sleep,
now that i am a Man who can't live?
Your vengeance was just,
so explendid,
the poison stained my veins.
From pale white,
to cobalt blue,
the venon painted my brain.
And here laid cold, in this grave,
i repeat myself, and repent for my sins,
don't waste this life, searching for love,
just live, and try to love yourself.
[DB]
...i should start listening to my own advices, someday...
Say, it's quite anoying that it doesn't snow over here, since i could use an excuse to stay at home, and still delay the exams, but, i consider it a rare possibility since i'm rather the unlucky type.
So here we go with another poem, i've done, and was made to represent the susceed failures on my "dream-only" realationships, hope you like it.
Pale White to Cobalt Blue
The sky is dark again,
a smog of pitch-darkness fills the air,
pillars of thick black clouds,
and a storm shows my pain.
Woman, you should 'ave better learned,
not to play with fire,
a grown man's heart is as thin,
to crumble with desire.
And i was just a little fool,
a piece on your game,
now i am useless to you,
i'm the one to blame.
Boys and girls,
sing this song,
before they go to bed,
the roulette rolls,
rolls-a-rolls,
so by the morning,
they're not dead.
So were my expectations,
when i asked you for pardon,
you closed your eyes,
and kissed me Darling
i called the feeling,
my "free-falling".
Well how was it Darling,
is the taste sweet,
now that i'm a man who can't breath,
who can't love,
who cannot sleep,
now that i am a Man who can't live?
Your vengeance was just,
so explendid,
the poison stained my veins.
From pale white,
to cobalt blue,
the venon painted my brain.
And here laid cold, in this grave,
i repeat myself, and repent for my sins,
don't waste this life, searching for love,
just live, and try to love yourself.
[DB]
...i should start listening to my own advices, someday...
terça-feira, 19 de abril de 2011
A Little Candy for the Eyes, and some Music for the Ears...
Here's a song, literally illustrating the post i made a while ago, about the "Boy-Toys".
Pratically, i feel exactly like the Coin-Operated Boy (only that people is so cheap these days, that i would be more of a Coin-Distribution Boy).
Anyway, its good music, check it out, i would feel like posting the video, however, since the (THIS SHITTY) blog is cuts the video in half and you can only see the left side of it due to the space for the posts, i leave the link and hope you guys watch it.
Dresden Dolls - Coin-Operated Boy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAnyYTjjhJ0
...shitty blog, can't even post a damn video here...
[DB]
Pratically, i feel exactly like the Coin-Operated Boy (only that people is so cheap these days, that i would be more of a Coin-Distribution Boy).
Anyway, its good music, check it out, i would feel like posting the video, however, since the (THIS SHITTY) blog is cuts the video in half and you can only see the left side of it due to the space for the posts, i leave the link and hope you guys watch it.
Dresden Dolls - Coin-Operated Boy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAnyYTjjhJ0
...shitty blog, can't even post a damn video here...
[DB]
More poems/Living the Everyday Life
These days have been quite tranquil recently, however, as i'm born by the arcana of the wheel,
i'm always aware that the tide is about to change at any minute, and God help me if i've gotten too soft.
But since i've learned to not give up easily, i'll try fighting and standing my ground the best i can, to keep the few good memories, even if it takes bruises and scars, i'm ready for it.
Still, the poet will always be the same old poet, and writting is something i've been doing a lot recently, to keep away me from my "platonic disapointments" and the crude cruelty of life.
I have been drawing and playing flute as well, however, with my cellphone memory card not working, and my old computer broken, it will take a good while before i show the graphical stuff.
Somehow(even if it's a bit off topic), i managed to get female company(really good looking ones by the way) for the last weekend, and God, i didn't knew that i'm still in the love game, either they've lowered dramaticaly their requisite patterns, or (most unlikely) i must be the clint eastwood type, who only get's better as time passes.
Anyways, no more delay, here we go with two more poems.
Hope you enjoy.
The Sickness Story
Another man dies today,
it seems to be the newspaper's talk
still, death is innevitable,
something nobody can take fault.
They say it was unfortunate,
that he died on the streets,
i say "how rude of him,
to depart like that.
The plague is not the culprit,
but is the man who feeds the rats"
The Port stenches of death,
and the air is itself a putrid lament.
The Sick pray to get better,
and the Healthy pray to stay absent.
When will they all learn,
that pain is the only way to understand.
Life is something you can give,
but is 'so something you can take.
And so on goes the story,
of how the plague brought me the glory.
Of how a Man became the Doctor,
and how the Doctor became story.
Fear of God is not the same as Faith,
save your confessions to the Lord,
yet please, don't remain this way,
you got yourself another day, gentleman,
so make good use of it, before it's too late.
Clocks and Watches will still show time,
but what's time to you?
Is it Living life afraid,
While still there's a whole life passing in front of you?
So the dead must be remembered,
but the living should never forsaken,
since it only feels done,
when you live your life every second until the end.
[DB]
Tears in the Dark
I was in love with you,
i had my dream come true,
but now i am through,
remembering you...
I had plans for you,
i have believed in you,
and now in the rain,
you leave me again...
Tears in the Dark!
It was bound to end from the start!
Like a game,
such a shame,
on my heart.
Tears in the Dark!
Our love has faded so fast,
now in the past,
solitude,
at last.
Now i belong alone,
my life is monotone,
i'm at the bone,
singing this song...
Now i'll live alone,
i'm sure that life will go on,
with only myself,
and nobody else...
Tears in the Dark!
It was bound to end from the start!
Like a game,
such a shame,
on my heart.
Tears in the Dark!
Our love has faded so fast,
now in the past,
solitude,
at last...
To get some rest...
[DB]
"Life is just another day dying in the sunlight"
segunda-feira, 18 de abril de 2011
Back in Black
Hi there, sorry i took this much to come back in here, but ends up i got mixed up in a lot, good things, bad things, and seems, i back in the black blog, just like before.
Anyways, i don't have much to discuss, yet still, i have a lot of new poems to share, so i'll start posting one today.
Hope you guys enjoy:
Instropective Ode to Melancholy
Of things in life, there are many most don't see,
so how about i read a poetry of some feelings on me?
Hatred is what i feel, whenever i take a peek outside,
cause everybody else is happy, and i'm stuck somewhere pretending i'm just fine.
Anger is how it is, when people come to blame me,
if only i had a gun, i'd put them all to sleep.
Pain i know too well, i live with it everyday,
and if you think you know what i mean, well,
you probably feel only 1/3 of what i feel today.
Confused is just an excuse, to get me out of the mess,
little know people, that it gets more confusing than it already has.
Darkness you might think, it's when you close your eyes,
but pal did you ever imagined if all your friends left you behind?
Solitude is a normal day to me, but i manage to accept it,
talking to the mirror is just a little repetitive.
However there's a stage, i gladly wait for,
it's called death, death is what i'm waiting for.
DB
Heres a song i've made:
Broken Girl
Do you feel anger,
when you find yourself lost,
just like a stranger?
And how did you got up here,
in the center of my eyes,
like a star who cruises the violet skies?
My memory is just a faint picture of a lady,
who gazes mysteriously into my soul,
and sadly into my lies.
I'll never forget,
this Broken Girl,
who seemed like Doll,
screaming for help,
when she just wanted Love, after all.
I'll never forget you,
Broken Girl,
since love-at-first-sight,
is a restless day,
and a sleepless night.
Days go by,
one by one the trains come and go, and 'wind set sail Oh!
wind set sail on my ship tonight.
I hope you don't feel all alone,
even thought, i'm not quite sure,
of how soon i'll be comming back home.
But, don't mind me my princess,
don't mind me this time,
i'll be yours forever,
as long as you decide to be always mine...
I'll never forgive,
this Broken Girl,
who seemed like Doll,
screaming for my help,
she made me her slave, after all.
I'll never forgive you,
Broken Girl,
since love-at-first-sight,
is a cruel mistress,
as cruel as "Mistress Life".
I'll never forget,
this Broken Girl,
who seemed like Doll,
screaming for help,
when she just wanted Love, after all.
I'll never forget you,
Broken Girl,
since love-at-first-sight,
is a restless day,
and a sleepless night.
DB
...Well, goodbye for now, my unknown guest,
considering the circumstances, i might be posting soon enough, so stay tunned.
Anyways, i don't have much to discuss, yet still, i have a lot of new poems to share, so i'll start posting one today.
Hope you guys enjoy:
Instropective Ode to Melancholy
Of things in life, there are many most don't see,
so how about i read a poetry of some feelings on me?
Hatred is what i feel, whenever i take a peek outside,
cause everybody else is happy, and i'm stuck somewhere pretending i'm just fine.
Anger is how it is, when people come to blame me,
if only i had a gun, i'd put them all to sleep.
Pain i know too well, i live with it everyday,
and if you think you know what i mean, well,
you probably feel only 1/3 of what i feel today.
Confused is just an excuse, to get me out of the mess,
little know people, that it gets more confusing than it already has.
Darkness you might think, it's when you close your eyes,
but pal did you ever imagined if all your friends left you behind?
Solitude is a normal day to me, but i manage to accept it,
talking to the mirror is just a little repetitive.
However there's a stage, i gladly wait for,
it's called death, death is what i'm waiting for.
DB
Heres a song i've made:
Broken Girl
Do you feel anger,
when you find yourself lost,
just like a stranger?
And how did you got up here,
in the center of my eyes,
like a star who cruises the violet skies?
My memory is just a faint picture of a lady,
who gazes mysteriously into my soul,
and sadly into my lies.
I'll never forget,
this Broken Girl,
who seemed like Doll,
screaming for help,
when she just wanted Love, after all.
I'll never forget you,
Broken Girl,
since love-at-first-sight,
is a restless day,
and a sleepless night.
Days go by,
one by one the trains come and go, and 'wind set sail Oh!
wind set sail on my ship tonight.
I hope you don't feel all alone,
even thought, i'm not quite sure,
of how soon i'll be comming back home.
But, don't mind me my princess,
don't mind me this time,
i'll be yours forever,
as long as you decide to be always mine...
I'll never forgive,
this Broken Girl,
who seemed like Doll,
screaming for my help,
she made me her slave, after all.
I'll never forgive you,
Broken Girl,
since love-at-first-sight,
is a cruel mistress,
as cruel as "Mistress Life".
I'll never forget,
this Broken Girl,
who seemed like Doll,
screaming for help,
when she just wanted Love, after all.
I'll never forget you,
Broken Girl,
since love-at-first-sight,
is a restless day,
and a sleepless night.
DB
...Well, goodbye for now, my unknown guest,
considering the circumstances, i might be posting soon enough, so stay tunned.
sexta-feira, 19 de fevereiro de 2010
~Friday i'm in Love~
Recently i've been feeling a little more happier, maybe 'cuz people around me is finally being able to understand what i've been through, or maybe because i'm getting wise, and noticing that i shouldn't fall so easily for every sad thing that happens.
I don't know if it's something that will last longer, thought i hope so, guess hope, love, and happiness walk together, the fact of having hope in something good, blindly, and going on and on happy, can probably make love a not so hard task, still, i can't get the ones i love to love me, well, that's just life, isn't it?
I any case, i feel like along the whole way, in my life, i must have learned something, that whenever i fall, i must go on, because people around me expect something better than someone who gives up, and that's surely what i'll believe.
Today i'll try to stay happy, i woke up with this feeling of happiness in my heart and i won't let go of it easily.
[DB]
Be Happy!
I don't know if it's something that will last longer, thought i hope so, guess hope, love, and happiness walk together, the fact of having hope in something good, blindly, and going on and on happy, can probably make love a not so hard task, still, i can't get the ones i love to love me, well, that's just life, isn't it?
I any case, i feel like along the whole way, in my life, i must have learned something, that whenever i fall, i must go on, because people around me expect something better than someone who gives up, and that's surely what i'll believe.
Today i'll try to stay happy, i woke up with this feeling of happiness in my heart and i won't let go of it easily.
[DB]
Be Happy!
quarta-feira, 10 de fevereiro de 2010
Once again, love hurts.
Sometimes i ask why it's always the same, when it comes to love, i am the one who get's hurt, because the girl already dates a japanese guy, i don't get it after all, it's always the same.
They always did that to me, and worst of all, they even accepted me between them, but i used to believe, that i achieved that with honor and respect, not as an excuse to be a punch bag, ugh...
Anyways, yesterday was depressing, after the new "discovery", i went home so sad that i couldn't even talk for half an hour, i just took some headache medicine, wich didn't worked, and went bed, i talk to my brother, but not even him, could understand me, guess it's just how sad and hopeless my life is.
Honestly i don't even feel like writting here today, the only last thing i have to show, are the poems i wrote yesterday, when i was trying to forget the situation, but in the end they just made me more sad.
Letter to God:
[DB]
That's how i cry, i have no more tears, because they dried up while i was trying to be strong.
That's how i scream, i have no more grudge, since i've done what i could to earn a comforting voice.
That's how i live, i have no will, for i am the one who depends on people's happyness, to feel less wrong to myself.
Sorry for the times i've cried, i was never scared, but lonely, but wait, sorry, i never meant to disappoint you, thought, i never wanted to disappoint anyone, and so far that's all i've done.
God i'm sorry for the "who" i am, if i could, you bet i would even try to make you proud, but sadly, today i feel like i can't go on.
Don't give up on me, sometimes i can deny, but i know that after all, we both do the best to each other in our ways, i just wish i could be a good person.
A person that wouldn't make others cry.
A person that wouldn't be so weak, and get hurt so easily.
A person that could reflect the light's shine, but i'm just an old candle in the dark, and the wind plays with my small flame, the same way, events do with my faith.
Forgive me for taking your time, you're someone busy, and you don't even have to be bothered by someone pathetic like me, it's just that i wanted to be heard, and i'm losing my hope, since no one listens.
Writting my Tears:
[DB]
Today i drip the few and very rare tears that represent my hope for everything.
There's a black whole inside my chest, and it drains all the strength in me, causing the inertia i feel now.
The last drop of the faith, the love, innocence, and all i once believed was true, will fall sooner or later, but right now i'm just not feeling coward enough to put an end and "paint it red".
If i could just close my eyes and have good memories, but there are none, sad times haunt me, words spoken that cut my face like gentle razors, as the inertia makes me more static in this ocean of my own sorrow.
No hope for the hopeless, no tomorow for "me" as "myself", it's a really bad amount ink that stains this phrases into my soul, because no matter how you try to forget them, they will never forget you.
The inside of my head is made of looking glasses, and a projector, that every time shows my failures, as they pass on, the more i become the murderer of my own respect.
No one cares, the reason is that i'm wrong, i was born this way, i am a toy made to be broken, the song that sounds dull and deaf.
The melody that plays from my broken heart is a lost treasure, that is fake, because it only has it's value for me, and as i descend in to the depths of my corpse, i learn that it's just worthless as i am.
And keeping all those feelings i become the monster i am, the empty and hollow shadow that wanders around the empty mausoleum of someone who didn't existed.
The example of an energy that leads to it's own end i'm the spiral of deception, the cycle that leads one to the end from the end itself, being the abomination of what's living and what's dead.
I'm the profane, and the more i tried to be worth of the blessing, i still have no answer of it's denial.
Wish i could just ask help, but no one can hear, one that can't speak, for this is the way the world works.
The last wish of someone who's always in the end is nothing but to call for someone, and tell him a story, this story is the blank page of every day, the "do your best", and have hope.
Bye, and thanks for not giving a fuck, after all, i'm just as useless and worthless, as i thought.
They always did that to me, and worst of all, they even accepted me between them, but i used to believe, that i achieved that with honor and respect, not as an excuse to be a punch bag, ugh...
Anyways, yesterday was depressing, after the new "discovery", i went home so sad that i couldn't even talk for half an hour, i just took some headache medicine, wich didn't worked, and went bed, i talk to my brother, but not even him, could understand me, guess it's just how sad and hopeless my life is.
Honestly i don't even feel like writting here today, the only last thing i have to show, are the poems i wrote yesterday, when i was trying to forget the situation, but in the end they just made me more sad.
Letter to God:
[DB]
That's how i cry, i have no more tears, because they dried up while i was trying to be strong.
That's how i scream, i have no more grudge, since i've done what i could to earn a comforting voice.
That's how i live, i have no will, for i am the one who depends on people's happyness, to feel less wrong to myself.
Sorry for the times i've cried, i was never scared, but lonely, but wait, sorry, i never meant to disappoint you, thought, i never wanted to disappoint anyone, and so far that's all i've done.
God i'm sorry for the "who" i am, if i could, you bet i would even try to make you proud, but sadly, today i feel like i can't go on.
Don't give up on me, sometimes i can deny, but i know that after all, we both do the best to each other in our ways, i just wish i could be a good person.
A person that wouldn't make others cry.
A person that wouldn't be so weak, and get hurt so easily.
A person that could reflect the light's shine, but i'm just an old candle in the dark, and the wind plays with my small flame, the same way, events do with my faith.
Forgive me for taking your time, you're someone busy, and you don't even have to be bothered by someone pathetic like me, it's just that i wanted to be heard, and i'm losing my hope, since no one listens.
Writting my Tears:
[DB]
Today i drip the few and very rare tears that represent my hope for everything.
There's a black whole inside my chest, and it drains all the strength in me, causing the inertia i feel now.
The last drop of the faith, the love, innocence, and all i once believed was true, will fall sooner or later, but right now i'm just not feeling coward enough to put an end and "paint it red".
If i could just close my eyes and have good memories, but there are none, sad times haunt me, words spoken that cut my face like gentle razors, as the inertia makes me more static in this ocean of my own sorrow.
No hope for the hopeless, no tomorow for "me" as "myself", it's a really bad amount ink that stains this phrases into my soul, because no matter how you try to forget them, they will never forget you.
The inside of my head is made of looking glasses, and a projector, that every time shows my failures, as they pass on, the more i become the murderer of my own respect.
No one cares, the reason is that i'm wrong, i was born this way, i am a toy made to be broken, the song that sounds dull and deaf.
The melody that plays from my broken heart is a lost treasure, that is fake, because it only has it's value for me, and as i descend in to the depths of my corpse, i learn that it's just worthless as i am.
And keeping all those feelings i become the monster i am, the empty and hollow shadow that wanders around the empty mausoleum of someone who didn't existed.
The example of an energy that leads to it's own end i'm the spiral of deception, the cycle that leads one to the end from the end itself, being the abomination of what's living and what's dead.
I'm the profane, and the more i tried to be worth of the blessing, i still have no answer of it's denial.
Wish i could just ask help, but no one can hear, one that can't speak, for this is the way the world works.
The last wish of someone who's always in the end is nothing but to call for someone, and tell him a story, this story is the blank page of every day, the "do your best", and have hope.
Bye, and thanks for not giving a fuck, after all, i'm just as useless and worthless, as i thought.
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