And when it doesn't get good, it gets worse.

I still don't know how does this shitty life works, when you're supposed to get the "sweet tastes" it gets bitter, and when it gets bitter, it reaches the most sour taste you could imagine...it's a metaphor if you haven't noticed.

Anyways, when will get my chance at making it big? People i know have hopes on me, and i hope too, but the chances are the worst, i already tried pursuing them, even thought they're just as useless as the others, and i still think God is an evil guy who finds it fun to put me on the spotlight and shake me from side to side, just to laugh at my face.

People simply can't comprehend that i am lazy, that i am demotivated, that i am depressed, and that this way, i won't have strenght to keep going, and it's not even like i'm not trying, the last experiences made made me very pessimist person, and there's nothing i can do about it, so here's a message for those trying to change me:

- Thanks for the support, and effort, BUT I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO CHANGE!

...'cause sometimes you just need to be that obvious.

And so, another week starts, and it's not starting to well, so i suppose by my knowledge, that if it's starting this way, it might probably just get absurdly ironic and unfortunate.

So i leave a poem, for people who just happen to be on to the same situation as me:


The Boat to Eternity.

I've watched the trees growing,
and the farmers with high hopes,
for richer times to come.
The mothers carrying their childs,
anxiously, for about nine months,
inside their wombs.

Both grow, with high expectations,
and life itself offers no chance of prospection.
Like every living being, they're destined to die,
unnevitably,
it's a fact that haunts each and every meaning of life.

I've seen the last autumn leaf fall from the old tree,
nobody pays attention, but the leaves falling mean so much more to me.
Falling leaves are meant to show humankind,
that nothing more than a certain end awaits it,
so don't mind it.

As the natural course of things is bound to change,
the old will depart, and the young will remain,
following their fathers steps,
while their sons follow them again.

They've seen the skies change,
i have seen the time fly.
They've been to places all around,
and i have always watched them from affar.

Death is this arduous journey,
long, and filled with many memories.
Death is always going to be a nostalgic journey.

[DB]

Let's just hope my week doesn't get too bad to tolerate without losing a nerve.

Last week's probation

This week has been a tough one, it got worse everyday little by little, like always, i don't even know how to i find strenght to go through and move on, it seemed like a probation and this time it felt like one, and i ask myself if this is the odd process of becoming a better person.

Anyways, it got even colder here, this weather is somewhat nice, but it makes me wish for someone to hold tight and have by my side, i know i have myself but it doesn't seem enough to cover the need i have for a person that understands me and talks about life in a way that makes me feel confortable, i guess it will keep going this way for some more years.

Somehow, i already got to understand that life is nothing but a test, and one day it get's over, and you're set free, or placed back on the system, or whatever. I personally hope, that after i die i get to rest in a warm place under a tree, seeing the wind blow the leaves, whistling a song slowly with the moon and sun sharing the same morning light sky.

I really get like this sometimes, and the music i'm listening doesn't help at all, at least it sounds damn good and tranquil, almost divine, but well, it's Nujabes so if you know who the artist was or ever listened to one of his songs, you know the feeling of peace that comes from his music,
if not, then by all means, check it out, it's just great if you want to relax, or just chill your mind out.

Well, i'm trying everyday to keep going, since i can't give up easily, it will take a lot more time for me to fall down.
[DB]

Life is certainly the equivalent of Fiction

"Life is certainly the equivalent of Fiction"
Once said the man who resided inside the book.

Have you ever felt like the world is a little too much to take? I can sympathise with you all who came to the conclusion i sometimes forget.
A person i knew died, and i kind felt sorry for him, i kept saying to myself that i shouldn't be an hypocrite and go around crying, since i didn't even considered him a close friend of mine when he was living, however, he was by my side with my friends when i used to live "there" with most of them.

They don't really know how he died, they say it was an accident and the gun shot him in the head while he was taking it out of his bag, others say he killed himself, either way, it must be tough to leave this world so young.

Today i got myself denying his death, remembering the times he was there, being trouble, running around, making me worried about him, just like to any other friend of mine, it's not so sad for me to see them leaving, but it is an annoying game to not forget his memory, yet, to not feel disapointed for his depart.

Of the things i think now, one of them is that life is pretty long, until the day it turns out short at death's fault, i should have called him a friend while i could, treated him like one, and i had the chance all along to try it by myself, irony? No, fate perhaps, life teaches us in the most unusual ways to be better individuals, and we deny it most of the time, at least i hope he's better up there, than he were in here, after all, this life is nothing but a learning process, and in the end, everything that comes from the ground is taken back to ground.

I don't want to sound changed, since changes take time to happen, but i'll be taking note that i should value more the people that show up around me, their ways, and every little memory with them, to not see them leaving, without saying goodbye.

I finish this post, with a poem i made.



A Poor Man's Fairy Tale.

Welcome to the world we live in,
sadly this is the rotten reality,
thought i personaly preffer to dream.

This is the poor man's fairy tale,
the dance of decay,
another step towards the abyss.
Picking rotten apples,
who fell long ago from their trees.

Little do they know,
that the apples are just the same as them,
bitter things,
all worthless, wormy, and putrid with shame.

[DB]

It NEVER lets me rest...

As i grow old, i've come to realize that friendship is a little too rare to be found or made, the old friends i had, all strayed far from me, and i keep walking alone, like a diseased animal, left out of the group for being weak.

Just when i thought i could count on somebody, i got stabbed in the back again, i should start listening to myself, and stop trusting people, or else it will get worse...if you could only know how much my heart screams for vengeance, i wish i could only get a gun and rampage killing everyone in my sight, yet, once again, if i stood alive somehow i'd end up sick with an overwhelming guilt haunting my life to the last days of it.

Of one thing i'm sure, this world isn't my place, i don't belong here, but i must acomplish something and i still don't know what, but makes sense if you get the idea of a personal purpose, and makes even more sense if you think of it as the only bound that keeps me living, an unknown chain that locks me on the ground of my own defeat.

Sadly i haven't found out how to get over it, as if it weren't obvious from the begining, love once again disapointed me, is there love in this world after all?
...perhaps it might be my purpose to find real love, i could even consider it loving someone, but i already do, and it doesn't take much to be my friend especially if you (pretend) are someone with ideals, and some (fake) loyalty, i'm a loyal friend, and i promised myself to never leave none of my friends in need until their last minutes, however, i wish i could meet someone like this to be my friend.

I do remember the time i used to talk to myself through my diary it felt like walking side by side with a younger me, and now it makes me smile faintly, perhaps i'm just another note on that book, and an older me is by my side at the moment, trying to make me feel better, that's the kind of connection, that i can't get anywhere else, and no one else can comprehend.
I don't know if it's love, but i do feel like i'm the only one who can understand me,
breaking the barrier of time and space to confort myself in another reality, another time, it's quite strange, but it's easy to understand once you're used to it.


Take care, young man, i'll be watching you, take care of me too.
[DB] to [DB]

Exams are fine...BUT NOT WHEN IT'S COLD!

It took me sometime, and some strength of will to make me write here again, however, this time i'm not sad, nor depressed, i'm tired, and lazy...and sleepy, that all being said, 'cuz the temperature felt a lot over here, and since i'm the kind of person that "hibernates", i would really enjoy staying at home, filling myself with food, and sleeping, that being possible, if i weren't in the middle of the first exams, in my stupid school.

Say, it's quite anoying that it doesn't snow over here, since i could use an excuse to stay at home, and still delay the exams, but, i consider it a rare possibility since i'm rather the unlucky type.

So here we go with another poem, i've done, and was made to represent the susceed failures on my "dream-only" realationships, hope you like it.


Pale White to Cobalt Blue

The sky is dark again,
a smog of pitch-darkness fills the air,
pillars of thick black clouds,
and a storm shows my pain.

Woman, you should 'ave better learned,
not to play with fire,
a grown man's heart is as thin,
to crumble with desire.

And i was just a little fool,
a piece on your game,
now i am useless to you,
i'm the one to blame.

Boys and girls,
sing this song,
before they go to bed,
the roulette rolls,
rolls-a-rolls,
so by the morning,
they're not dead.

So were my expectations,
when i asked you for pardon,
you closed your eyes,
and kissed me Darling
i called the feeling,
my "free-falling".

Well how was it Darling,
is the taste sweet,
now that i'm a man who can't breath,
who can't love,
who cannot sleep,
now that i am a Man who can't live?

Your vengeance was just,
so explendid,
the poison stained my veins.
From pale white,
to cobalt blue,
the venon painted my brain.

And here laid cold, in this grave,
i repeat myself, and repent for my sins,
don't waste this life, searching for love,
just live, and try to love yourself.

[DB]

...i should start listening to my own advices, someday...

A Little Candy for the Eyes, and some Music for the Ears...

Here's a song, literally illustrating the post i made a while ago, about the "Boy-Toys".
Pratically, i feel exactly like the Coin-Operated Boy (only that people is so cheap these days, that i would be more of a Coin-Distribution Boy).

Anyway, its good music, check it out, i would feel like posting the video, however, since the (THIS SHITTY) blog is cuts the video in half and you can only see the left side of it due to the space for the posts, i leave the link and hope you guys watch it.

Dresden Dolls - Coin-Operated Boy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAnyYTjjhJ0

...shitty blog, can't even post a damn video here...

[DB]

More poems/Living the Everyday Life

These days have been quite tranquil recently, however, as i'm born by the arcana of the wheel,
i'm always aware that the tide is about to change at any minute, and God help me if i've gotten too soft.

But since i've learned to not give up easily, i'll try fighting and standing my ground the best i can, to keep the few good memories, even if it takes bruises and scars, i'm ready for it.

Still, the poet will always be the same old poet, and writting is something i've been doing a lot recently, to keep away me from my "platonic disapointments" and the crude cruelty of life.
I have been drawing and playing flute as well, however, with my cellphone memory card not working, and my old computer broken, it will take a good while before i show the graphical stuff.

Somehow(even if it's a bit off topic), i managed to get female company(really good looking ones by the way) for the last weekend, and God, i didn't knew that i'm still in the love game, either they've lowered dramaticaly their requisite patterns, or (most unlikely) i must be the clint eastwood type, who only get's better as time passes.

Anyways, no more delay, here we go with two more poems.
Hope you enjoy.


The Sickness Story

Another man dies today,
it seems to be the newspaper's talk
still, death is innevitable,
something nobody can take fault.

They say it was unfortunate,
that he died on the streets,
i say "how rude of him,
to depart like that.
The plague is not the culprit,
but is the man who feeds the rats"

The Port stenches of death,
and the air is itself a putrid lament.
The Sick pray to get better,
and the Healthy pray to stay absent.

When will they all learn,
that pain is the only way to understand.
Life is something you can give,
but is 'so something you can take.

And so on goes the story,
of how the plague brought me the glory.
Of how a Man became the Doctor,
and how the Doctor became story.

Fear of God is not the same as Faith,
save your confessions to the Lord,
yet please, don't remain this way,
you got yourself another day, gentleman,
so make good use of it, before it's too late.

Clocks and Watches will still show time,
but what's time to you?
Is it Living life afraid,
While still there's a whole life passing in front of you?

So the dead must be remembered,
but the living should never forsaken,
since it only feels done,
when you live your life every second until the end.

[DB]


Tears in the Dark

I was in love with you,
i had my dream come true,
but now i am through,
remembering you...

I had plans for you,
i have believed in you,
and now in the rain,
you leave me again...

Tears in the Dark!

It was bound to end from the start!
Like a game,
such a shame,
on my heart.

Tears in the Dark!

Our love has faded so fast,
now in the past,
solitude,
at last.

Now i belong alone,
my life is monotone,
i'm at the bone,
singing this song...

Now i'll live alone,
i'm sure that life will go on,
with only myself,
and nobody else...

Tears in the Dark!

It was bound to end from the start!
Like a game,
such a shame,
on my heart.

Tears in the Dark!

Our love has faded so fast,
now in the past,
solitude,
at last...

To get some rest...

[DB]


"Life is just another day dying in the sunlight"