New Year, but the same Poet Heart.

It's been a while since last time i wrote in here, guess i'm back to the sadness it originated from.

Nothing much happened in during the time i've been away, now i'm back "trying" to socialize with people, but i guess i just don't have what it takes, maybe i'm too frail, or maybe i was born to get hurt, i don't care after all, it makes me angry to think this way, even thought it's just another undeniable truth.

It's almost like as if i live in another paralel reality in wich every feeling is so simple that i turns out too complicated for me to understand, people just keep hurting me, disapointing me with every single breath they take, using their time to make actions without knowing the consequences they will cause to the others.

Besides my emotional problems that NEVER go away, no matter how much i try, i'm also dealing with a bloodline problem, it seems i inherited more from my mother than the nose or the smile.

In the first two months of this year i discovered that can absorb people's memories, and see them in the form of dreams, my brother was the one who discovered this ability on me after i dreamt of a place and a person that only he knew.

Also, as if other people's memories weren't enough, my body is able to receive spirits like a medium, but it only happened once, and i don't have much information about that, but one thing i know for sure, my mother just wasn't happy enough to destroy my whole childhood, but also, to share such useless and anoying things with me, i hate my life.

At least some people are recognizing some talents i think i have, like drawing, or writting poems, thought, i doesn't change how bad i fell for being me every day.

I wrote a poem today, just about something that happened.

A Poet's Heart:

A Poet's Heart is frail, but it has it's value.

A Poet's Heart is carefully crafted in dust, it's a very rare and precious work of the nature.

But the Poet's Heart is a thing that doesn't belong to anyone after all, since he's too weak,
it can't be hold by anyone, neither go against the wind, as it turns to nothing so fast.

And the more it want's to belong to someone, the more it feels lonely, locked away, and useless.

Well hope you guys like it, since for me, it's just way i fell recently, nothing more but a feeling, a hard one to bear with.

Well, anyway, bye.

THE LAST COLD FEELING.

I've had it right now, after some time thinking, and some "practical experiments", i've discovered that my "loved one" A.K.A. "my curse" has a 90% chance of being pregnant in base of some evidences.
Pregnant girls tend to be more lovely with someone who's up to give them attention, so that might explain the "connection" between us both that i earlier thought it was love.
They also tend to carry some clearly visible habits, they tend get more fragile, emotional, besides that, her belly got a little bigger along the way (Earlier, her mother was suspecting that they were having intercourse without protection, about 4 months.), so, i have reasons to doubt of that possibility.

She was trying to get away from her boyfriend (A.K.A. Retarded Asian Asshole) , but somehow they're going together everywhere now, so i think this, and the other evidences(That i'm not going to write here) are enough to place pregnancy as a reasonable conclusion.

Makes me sad to know that, but i once said to my brother, that if something like that happens, there's always the "plan B"(The plan B consists of me saving some money for 2 years, and then going to europe to forget the problems, i was thinking of Russia, i like their culture, maybe i can fit in there).
I also decided to get my old GF back, so i can start using some drugs, and fuck up my life as much as i can, 'cuz the sooner my life ends, the sooner i'll forget her(Even thought, i don't think that it is possible).

Anyways, i decided to change my life right now, and that's a promise(Please remind me if i forget), no matter what happens i'll follow my way, no one is going to stop me, this feeling, these thoughts made me write something, and i think it's a good one so, i'll post it here.

The Last Cold Feeling (Written by Myself[DB]) This is where it ends, the point where it started. The fruit withered in the tree, it never had it's chance to begin with. A soundless scream goes unheard, from inside my chest, breaking decibels, cutting through ears, as it makes itself visible through my eyes. No one wants to get hurt, but we are all wounded, covered in scars that no one sees. We hide our hearts, but in the end, everything is the same. The end is what i live, the end is what i am, and this is the sign, the Last Cold Feeling.

Also i've made some artwork related to my recent feeling, hope you all enjoy, but i didn't, i'm at my worst times, someone help me.

Sahara!

A Huge portion of Doubt with extra Anger, please?

Another day, trying to forget the yesterday, at least i'm a little more confident to keep my head on top of my neck, instead of just a cloud of disperse problems.

I still can't seem to understand the situation, i always tell people that life without mystery isn't fun at all, but i just wish mine was a little less mysterious, and more pleasant.

I don't know why do i bother thinking about this stuff, at least the blog is turning into my new adiction, even knowing that no one reads it, i feel good letting all that stuff out, it's almost as if i could put my face away from the horrible life i live, and take one good, long and refreshing breath out of all the mess.

I decided to skip the physical exercise routine just for today, since i'm tired, and i'm getting a few good results, i'm a little more healthy and my body is better defined than before, probably it's something that requires persistance, gladly my persistance is stronger if we are talking about physical activities.

But as time seems to pass, i can hardly smile, almost everything disapoints me, i can't enjoy food as i used to anymore, games aren't fun, jokes doesn't have the same feeling as they used to, am i destined to be unhappy?If i could simply rest inside a dark tranquil place, or loose my feelings, maybe the problems could go away.

It's really hard to deal with life when it starts to get REALLY bad, some say that one day, i'll get twice the sadness i've had, in amounts of joy and happyness, some others, that i'll look over everything that happened and laugh, i don't know what to believe, and even if i should believe, but one thing is for sure, i'm not even close to laughing right now.

I just hate my life.
Sahara!

Even More Depressed, and Confused

Last night i slept well, no dreams, no nightmares, but waking up was bad, the feeling of emptyness made me sick, and so i've had to take some medicine.

I'm very tired of everything related to me, nothing goes well, nothing makes me happy anymore, and just like i've already said, a f*cking million of times, i can't seem to find my purpose in this life.

Besides that, the problems doesn't seem to go away, the "eye" that judges me is back again, it's a metaphor, but i've made a few comics once to explain how i felt, luckly my depressions stopped after i've made them, but since it always come back to me even worse, i'll probably make new comics.

I'm really angry, sad and disappointed about my life, my actions, and so, i'll probably need time to think and find inside me that thing that always makes me fake my feelings, and smile to everyone.

Here are the comics, but i don't know if i am in the mood to continue them.

First Post, Artwork for Depression, and Today's Inner Thoughts

So, this is my first post in this blog, and i hope not to be the last one.

I've been a little sad with my life lately, disapointed with really big lots of stuff, and the fact that soon i'll be turning into a man and getting responsabilities, problems, bills, credit cards, work, and more frustating stuff.

The depression i feel is something really interesting, since it inspires me to be more honest and express myself better in whatever i do.

And so, here are the drawings i've done related to my depression.


These drawings("Amateurly" made with MS Paint and edited in Photoshop) are related to the feelings i've felt recently, love, doubt, loneliness.

Since nothing in my life happens the way it was supposed to be, i'm in love with a girl that i'll only be able to have her if a miracle happens, too bad, is that i'm starting to think that they don't exist.

About love, well, when i was young, i thought it didn't really exist, then that i was unnable to feel it, and now, i know what it is, how does it feel, and what's like to be in love.

Different from passion(wich is an obsession), love is that feeling that fills your heart with hot cotton, and makes you feel dizzy, and the time you have, you only spend thinking about this person.You don't want to have her for you, you just want to stay close to this person, so you can feel more dizzy.
It's when you want to protect her, and probably, you would give your life without asking, if her's were to end.

But the worse, is that when we looked at each other eyes we stand there for a minute or two, but it seemed like the best time of my life, and after that we simply couldn't stay an inch far from each other, seeing her go after that, made me feel bad, specially, because she's already got an asian asshole as boyfriend, who aparently is retarded.

That made me feel good for noticing that she likes me too, but also made me sad, 'cuz the circuntances aren't going on my direction.

Sahara!