New Year, but the same Poet Heart.

It's been a while since last time i wrote in here, guess i'm back to the sadness it originated from.

Nothing much happened in during the time i've been away, now i'm back "trying" to socialize with people, but i guess i just don't have what it takes, maybe i'm too frail, or maybe i was born to get hurt, i don't care after all, it makes me angry to think this way, even thought it's just another undeniable truth.

It's almost like as if i live in another paralel reality in wich every feeling is so simple that i turns out too complicated for me to understand, people just keep hurting me, disapointing me with every single breath they take, using their time to make actions without knowing the consequences they will cause to the others.

Besides my emotional problems that NEVER go away, no matter how much i try, i'm also dealing with a bloodline problem, it seems i inherited more from my mother than the nose or the smile.

In the first two months of this year i discovered that can absorb people's memories, and see them in the form of dreams, my brother was the one who discovered this ability on me after i dreamt of a place and a person that only he knew.

Also, as if other people's memories weren't enough, my body is able to receive spirits like a medium, but it only happened once, and i don't have much information about that, but one thing i know for sure, my mother just wasn't happy enough to destroy my whole childhood, but also, to share such useless and anoying things with me, i hate my life.

At least some people are recognizing some talents i think i have, like drawing, or writting poems, thought, i doesn't change how bad i fell for being me every day.

I wrote a poem today, just about something that happened.

A Poet's Heart:

A Poet's Heart is frail, but it has it's value.

A Poet's Heart is carefully crafted in dust, it's a very rare and precious work of the nature.

But the Poet's Heart is a thing that doesn't belong to anyone after all, since he's too weak,
it can't be hold by anyone, neither go against the wind, as it turns to nothing so fast.

And the more it want's to belong to someone, the more it feels lonely, locked away, and useless.

Well hope you guys like it, since for me, it's just way i fell recently, nothing more but a feeling, a hard one to bear with.

Well, anyway, bye.

Echoes in a Box

In the last days i haven't talked to my brother, neither my father for what happened.

Somehow it seemed like my brother took a "victim behavior" considering the situation, wich worsened things for me, my father came to my room last night as if the ceiling over our heads were to fall, making questions(not hearing my answers), saying that i was acting strange, and making everyone sad, but there's something to be considered first.

During my whole life(short, compared to people with the same amount of problems), i was always considered responsible for the family dramas that happened,for an example, my stepfather used to call me "the coal that darkens this family", and my mother called me everything she were, materialist, selfish, and in most cases, an horrible person.
The way my life went after people started blaming me for their faults, didn't changed, everyone says the same thing, and no matter what i do, to stop or avoid the problems, people always blame me.

Just like a monster, it seems that everywhere i go, people look at me, and treat me bad(even when i'm trying to help, while no one cares), it's almost as if i were born with a sign saying "SCAPE GOAT" in big, bold and red so then everyone can blame me.
I don't even understand the argument my father said, that i can't be the only one right, and almost everyone wrong, but from what i know, i'm a loyal friend, i preffer to fix everyone else's problems than mines, and most of the times i keep my wounds to myself, just to not bother anyone with my problems, and yet, i'm still a bad person.
I don't have a mutiple-personality issue, and i can assure that i act this way 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and still they take their own conclusions about me,and they never hear what i'm saying.

That's why i decided to use that phrase on the headline.
After my father said i was wrong, that i don't have any friends, and not even my grandparents liked me, i decided to sit at the Gym, and talk to myself(because at least, i can talk, listen and be heard by myself), while my stepbrother was up in the appartment playing the victim, and my father, probably too.
I was unconfortable, talking to myself, in an empty-old-room, with the low lights, it seemed like i was just talking, and my words were echoes in a box, because no one ever cared about me, and worse than that, i'm always responsible for everyone else's problems without even knowing why.

I've made some Artwork, they look kinda nice:


Sometimes i don't know why that kind of things happen to me, i guess that one day i'll get used.
Sahara!

Family, the group of people that REALLY don't care about you.

Yesterday was a boring hot day, nothing to do, people being naturally anoying, until the problems started.

My stepbrother(usually a good person, but this time a fucking asshole) got angry 'cause i said a joke about his "addiction" to lie, since he does that to never get problems to himself no matter what it costs, he decided to lie to my father(wich is a good person too, but normally he's a complete idiot that points me as the cause of all the problems that happen, because, he doesn't know me, 'cuz the time he could be raising me and my brothers, him and my mother just left us alone), and the first thing that came to his head is that i was wrong, and my stepbrother was right, without even knowing anything, so i said "mind your own business" and he got angry with my tone, i believe that i can use that tone, since i raised my brothers almost alone, while my mother was spending her husband's money, and my father was living his life away from us.

Then i said that he couldn't talk to me like another ordinary kid(if ordinary kids always are guilty for random things that happen), because he didn't even bother to know more about me and my brothers, since he never took care of us, that made him angry, but i just ignored him, and shouted like a little spoiled kid.

The conclusion i've had is that family isn't what they (used to?)teach in school, family is a group of people, trying to spend less money, increasing the taxes of humiliation, and taking away all the privacy and tranquility of the individuals, my father doesn't know anything about me because he weren't there when i needed someone to take care of me, and he simply can't assume that, even if it's just obvious, the same goes to my stepbrother, who simply can't get problems to himself, and so, he points everyone around, no matter who or what, i guess people these days aren't worth of trust anymore, not even inside your own family.

Sahara!