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Recently i've had some peace, for my mind, and for my heart, i'm not caring anymore about love, at least for now.
I've been keeping my physical exercise routine (wich ended up being and awesome idea to clean up my mind from poisonous thoughts, doubts, and angers), i also got hooked again into an old addiction i used to have, thankfully it's just cooking (soon later i'll post the recipes).
I've had a fight with my father recently (nothing but the usual), and i'm taking a conclusion about family and it's relationships: i'm not made for them. - and as soon as possible i'll find a way to live by my own, and stand alone, tranquil.
As you get older (if you're like me), you start to notice that people around you will start getting more selfish as the time passes, and as soon as you notice, you can't trust anyone you thought you knew, it's hard when things get this way but i haven't find a solution for that problem yet.And sometimes, for the more unbelievable as it seems, someone up there, finds a way to give me hope.
I'm too old to cry for such simple things, but i almost did that day, i was really sad, and then a rainbow shows up in the sky (god dammit, i'm too fucking sentimental).
Now to the Culinary part, i'll post two recipes, wich a lot of people here at home aproved, and are very simple to make, yet, undescribably good.
I've used what people usually buy lots here, herbs, tomatoes, pasta, and other stuff that you probably should have at the end of the month in your fridge.
Here's the first recipe, a Simple Italian Pasta, with a not so Ordinary Italian Tomato Sauce.
I usually do this recipe better when it's supposed to serve two people, but if you have the patience, you can double the ingredients, and spend some more time with the preparation of them.
Ingredients (2 - People):
- 4 Fresh Italian Tomatoes (the ones that look like little bottles)- Olive Oil
- Pasta, the type you (or the person you're serving) likes best.
- Dried Oregan, Fresh Salsa and Aipo, and of possible Fresh Green Olives.
- Butter, Frying Oil, and Salt.
- Flour.
- Onion.
1 - Step:
Pick the 4 Tomatoes, and shape Two Crosses (one at the top and another at the bottom) with the knife, then put only Two of them to boil, to make things go quicker (and have a fresh flavor), boil the pasta in another pan, with Water, a little bit of Frying Oil, and a small pinch of Salt.
2 - Step:
While the 2 Tomatoes and the Pasta are boiling, cut some Onion and some Herbs and put them together, at the same time, cut the Olives, making some rustic shapes (rustic food), also leave some of them intact.
Check to see if the Tomatoes and the Pasta are ready, if so, the Tomatoes skin will be detaching, and if throw some of the pasta on the wall, it will stick (remeber that the pasta isn't supposed to look like "paste", make sure it's on a good consistance.
3 - Step:
Fill a recipient with very cold water, and then put the two Tomatoes in there, after some minutes, you can peel them off, right after that, with the water still boiling, put the other two Tomatoes.
Dry the Water from the Pasta, and then, put some Butter, Salsa, Oregan, with a bit of Olive Oil, mix it for 5 minutes in a low temperature.
4 - Step:
Cut the Skinless Tomatoes, into some medium shapes (to give texture to the Sauce, or the "Sugo"), mix with the herbs you have cut before.
By this time the Pasta might be ready, so cover the pan, and let it rest (this way, it can take the flavor of the herbs).
5 - Step:
When the other two Tomatoes are ready, peel them off too, but instead of cutting them, smash and make a sauce, mix it with other Tomatoes and Herbs, and put them to boil with Flour, and Olive Oil, Salt, and the Green Olives.
6 - Finale:
Put the Pasta into the plates, the Sauce must be tasting like Tomatoes but with the small touch of Herbs, not too salty.
Pour the Sauce over the Pasta, and serve it with some Oregan, and Olive Oil.
The other recipe is very simple, but really Cute, It's called Red Egg.
Ingredients (1 - Person):
- 2 Eggs.
- 1 Tomato.
- Salsa, Pepper Sauce.
- 1 Onion, Cheese.
- Vinegar, Salt.
- Oregan, Olives, and Olive Oil.
- Burger Meat.
1 - Step:
Wash the Tomato, cut it in a half, take off it's insides, and then cut it into small Cubes.
Mix it with Salsa, Pepper Sauce, Burger Meat, Sliced Onions and Olive Oil.
While you mix the ingredients, boil the Eggs.
2 - Finale:
Make a small cake, using the help of a metal can, with the mixture we made, and then cover with some more Olive Oil, and some sliced Olives, take off the the Boiled Eggs from their shells, and place the in the middle of the "Meat Cake" we made, then decorate with Cheese, Oregan, and Salsa Leaves, after that sprinkle the meal with some Vinegar.
Bon Apetit!
That's all for today folks, later i'll show the sketches i've been drawing to base the Tattoo i'll be getting next year.
Sahara!
I've had it right now, after some time thinking, and some "practical experiments", i've discovered that my "loved one" A.K.A. "my curse" has a 90% chance of being pregnant in base of some evidences.
Pregnant girls tend to be more lovely with someone who's up to give them attention, so that might explain the "connection" between us both that i earlier thought it was love.They also tend to carry some clearly visible habits, they tend get more fragile, emotional, besides that, her belly got a little bigger along the way (Earlier, her mother was suspecting that they were having intercourse without protection, about 4 months.), so, i have reasons to doubt of that possibility.
She was trying to get away from her boyfriend (A.K.A. Retarded Asian Asshole) , but somehow they're going together everywhere now, so i think this, and the other evidences(That i'm not going to write here) are enough to place pregnancy as a reasonable conclusion.
Makes me sad to know that, but i once said to my brother, that if something like that happens, there's always the "plan B"(The plan B consists of me saving some money for 2 years, and then going to europe to forget the problems, i was thinking of Russia, i like their culture, maybe i can fit in there).
I also decided to get my old GF back, so i can start using some drugs, and fuck up my life as much as i can, 'cuz the sooner my life ends, the sooner i'll forget her(Even thought, i don't think that it is possible).
Anyways, i decided to change my life right now, and that's a promise(Please remind me if i forget), no matter what happens i'll follow my way, no one is going to stop me, this feeling, these thoughts made me write something, and i think it's a good one so, i'll post it here.
The Last Cold Feeling (Written by Myself[DB]) This is where it ends, the point where it started. The fruit withered in the tree, it never had it's chance to begin with. A soundless scream goes unheard, from inside my chest, breaking decibels, cutting through ears, as it makes itself visible through my eyes. No one wants to get hurt, but we are all wounded, covered in scars that no one sees. We hide our hearts, but in the end, everything is the same. The end is what i live, the end is what i am, and this is the sign, the Last Cold Feeling.Also i've made some artwork related to my recent feeling, hope you all enjoy, but i didn't, i'm at my worst times, someone help me.
Sahara!
Well first i'll be posting the pictures i promissed earlier, they don't look that neat( because i haven't used the miraculous Photoshop), but they show my happyness, so it's almost like a rare treasure.
I also decided to talk to my brother and ask why he "stabbed me in the back" like that, turned out, that my father was guilty for starting to lecture me, without knowing what was going on in first place (i warned you all before, he's stupid), but at least i don't have to hear my father babbling about putting me into a psychatrist, neither to stop using internet.
I was thinking about the meaning of the word "Boy-toy" a recent term to that younger guys that celebrities date.
A "Boy" isn't a "Man", so let's assume he's just an "Overgrown Boy", he's probably playfull, innocent in certain ways (boys aren't 100% innocent, when i was young the first thing i did when i learned how to climb chairs, was to get the porno video over the wardrobe[good times]), and easy to please.
Toy probably means their function, girls like trouble (by that i mean, they really like to make naughty stuff [they find pleasure in that]), and so they like to manipulate someone to do the dirty job, while they watch and laugh (Boy-toys, they're just like OC, but you can watch it live).
Considering a few relationships i've had, i'm starting to think, that i'm a "Boy-toy" too, girls only treat me the way i'm supposed to, when it comes to money or sex, and that anoys me, i wonder if the whole "boy-toy" thing is just a fashion, or if it exists since the beggining of the times (oh, how i wish love was true...).
But anyways, i also took a walk over the computer and tecnologic commerce, and usually the etinic groups that work in there are mostly composed of Asians, Jews, and Arab people(wich i descend from).
Asians, treat you really bad, no matter what you ask, they will hardly answer(they can't really, they can hardly speak the current country's language), and they just want you to buy something, give them money, and go away, in that cases, go with an asian friend, they tend to treat you well, if you let them manage the trade.
Jewish people like to earn money, so don't ask much questions, buy more and they will treat you better (as long as you keep spending money).
Arab people want you to buy things cheaper, and come back when you need to buy more products, so just talk to them, and the longer the talk takes, the cheaper it will cost.
I hate cliches, but hey! The world is made over them.
Sahara!
In the last days i haven't talked to my brother, neither my father for what happened.
Somehow it seemed like my brother took a "victim behavior" considering the situation, wich worsened things for me, my father came to my room last night as if the ceiling over our heads were to fall, making questions(not hearing my answers), saying that i was acting strange, and making everyone sad, but there's something to be considered first.
During my whole life(short, compared to people with the same amount of problems), i was always considered responsible for the family dramas that happened,for an example, my stepfather used to call me "the coal that darkens this family", and my mother called me everything she were, materialist, selfish, and in most cases, an horrible person.
The way my life went after people started blaming me for their faults, didn't changed, everyone says the same thing, and no matter what i do, to stop or avoid the problems, people always blame me.
Just like a monster, it seems that everywhere i go, people look at me, and treat me bad(even when i'm trying to help, while no one cares), it's almost as if i were born with a sign saying "SCAPE GOAT" in big, bold and red so then everyone can blame me.I don't even understand the argument my father said, that i can't be the only one right, and almost everyone wrong, but from what i know, i'm a loyal friend, i preffer to fix everyone else's problems than mines, and most of the times i keep my wounds to myself, just to not bother anyone with my problems, and yet, i'm still a bad person.
I don't have a mutiple-personality issue, and i can assure that i act this way 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and still they take their own conclusions about me,and they never hear what i'm saying.
That's why i decided to use that phrase on the headline.
After my father said i was wrong, that i don't have any friends, and not even my grandparents liked me, i decided to sit at the Gym, and talk to myself(because at least, i can talk, listen and be heard by myself), while my stepbrother was up in the appartment playing the victim, and my father, probably too.
I was unconfortable, talking to myself, in an empty-old-room, with the low lights, it seemed like i was just talking, and my words were echoes in a box, because no one ever cared about me, and worse than that, i'm always responsible for everyone else's problems without even knowing why.
I've made some Artwork, they look kinda nice:
Sometimes i don't know why that kind of things happen to me, i guess that one day i'll get used.
Sahara!
Yesterday was a boring hot day, nothing to do, people being naturally anoying, until the problems started.
My stepbrother(usually a good person, but this time a fucking asshole) got angry 'cause i said a joke about his "addiction" to lie, since he does that to never get problems to himself no matter what it costs, he decided to lie to my father(wich is a good person too, but normally he's a complete idiot that points me as the cause of all the problems that happen, because, he doesn't know me, 'cuz the time he could be raising me and my brothers, him and my mother just left us alone), and the first thing that came to his head is that i was wrong, and my stepbrother was right, without even knowing anything, so i said "mind your own business" and he got angry with my tone, i believe that i can use that tone, since i raised my brothers almost alone, while my mother was spending her husband's money, and my father was living his life away from us.
Then i said that he couldn't talk to me like another ordinary kid(if ordinary kids always are guilty for random things that happen), because he didn't even bother to know more about me and my brothers, since he never took care of us, that made him angry, but i just ignored him, and shouted like a little spoiled kid.
The conclusion i've had is that family isn't what they (used to?)teach in school, family is a group of people, trying to spend less money, increasing the taxes of humiliation, and taking away all the privacy and tranquility of the individuals, my father doesn't know anything about me because he weren't there when i needed someone to take care of me, and he simply can't assume that, even if it's just obvious, the same goes to my stepbrother, who simply can't get problems to himself, and so, he points everyone around, no matter who or what, i guess people these days aren't worth of trust anymore, not even inside your own family.
Sahara!
Last weekend i went to an old country-style city not far from where i live, it's a nice place, considering some important things that probably apply in similar cases:
- People are a little ignorant, the way they'll treat someone from the city depends on how they look, and since i look like a mix between a Typical North American Redneck and a Geek that likes Rock, the way people looked and treated me oscilated a lot, the local girls seemed to enjoy my look, even the ones older than me.
Older people got shocked by the "not-so-conventional" way i have to dress myself, and so, they seemed to evade me(wich is a good thing since i went there to get away from people).
- The city sleeps as the sun goes away, and so, there's nothing else to do after 6PM, you'll probably want to bring a pc with you, or a handheld, or else, you'll end up taking sleep medicine.
- Prices are very cheap for almost everything, i took advantage of that to buy some acessories like cowboy hats, leather belts, wristbands, and etc.
We(my brother, my father, my mother, and me) went into a rock concert, a rock band called "Rockin' Trio" played a lot of know songs from the 80's - 90's, good stuff, but i got too tired since i walked in the sunllight, trying to find things to buy(and girls to...i didn't had to mention that), and so i went to sleep in the middle of the show.
But the conclusion i've had from the show itself, is that, it is directed to those that want a good time(dance, drink, sing), but without having all the anoying problems of a big show in the city.
I took some time for myself on sunday night, to think about my last problems and(check to see if the condoms[wich were medium size] fit, and for my surprise, they were too small for me!) stuff that happened last week, and ended up with a conclusion:
I'm too young(yet very mature to have such problems and thoughts) to lose the time i could be enjoying a little more with myself, dedicating my feelings and my heart to someone that doesn't even know that i exist, unless i wave right in front of her.
That no matter how bad i feel for not having her, i'll still be the person i am(proud of sometimes...and other times ashamed), the guy that can't even put his feet out in the streets, and the girls(no matter how old, they're, they'll still be girls for me) will look at the bulge in his pants and treat him nice, the boy who likes games filled with violence, and yet, loves refined art.
Well, there's a lot more to tell about myself, but i guess it's better to save it for later.
I'll post some pictures of the show as soon as a i get them.
Sahara!
Another day, trying to forget the yesterday, at least i'm a little more confident to keep my head on top of my neck, instead of just a cloud of disperse problems.
I still can't seem to understand the situation, i always tell people that life without mystery isn't fun at all, but i just wish mine was a little less mysterious, and more pleasant.
I don't know why do i bother thinking about this stuff, at least the blog is turning into my new adiction, even knowing that no one reads it, i feel good letting all that stuff out, it's almost as if i could put my face away from the horrible life i live, and take one good, long and refreshing breath out of all the mess.
I decided to skip the physical exercise routine just for today, since i'm tired, and i'm getting a few good results, i'm a little more healthy and my body is better defined than before, probably it's something that requires persistance, gladly my persistance is stronger if we are talking about physical activities.
But as time seems to pass, i can hardly smile, almost everything disapoints me, i can't enjoy food as i used to anymore, games aren't fun, jokes doesn't have the same feeling as they used to, am i destined to be unhappy?If i could simply rest inside a dark tranquil place, or loose my feelings, maybe the problems could go away.
It's really hard to deal with life when it starts to get REALLY bad, some say that one day, i'll get twice the sadness i've had, in amounts of joy and happyness, some others, that i'll look over everything that happened and laugh, i don't know what to believe, and even if i should believe, but one thing is for sure, i'm not even close to laughing right now.
I just hate my life.
Sahara!
Today i've decided to fake my happyness until it looked as if i were really happy, and it worked!
Seems like a good night of sleep and some advices from a friend made me wonders, at least i know of one thing for sure:
To hell with my love, i'll just keep being promiscuous untill the time is right to make my move towards her, for now on, i'll be happy with the girls god gives me, and enjoy the small amount of pleasure i can give/get from them.
I was unnable to keep my physical exercise routine today, since i've been doing it the whole week, without resting, or eating well.
But, even though, i was able to do the exercises for 40 minutes, wich is almost what i usually do 1 hour and 20 minutes every day.
It still hurts when i think about everything that made me sad, as i expected, this kind of problems will not go away so easily, also, that means that my heart will not be able to feel better, until i get the oportunity to look at her eyes again(I just hate when love starts to make sense, 'cuz i feel left out, as if i weren't human, or born without the right to love).
I've listened to some music, watched the latest South Park episode, and composed some songs, still no masterpieces, but i feel that i just need a little bit of inspiration, maybe tomorow i'll come up with a cool song to share.
Sahara!
Last night i slept well, no dreams, no nightmares, but waking up was bad, the feeling of emptyness made me sick, and so i've had to take some medicine.
I'm very tired of everything related to me, nothing goes well, nothing makes me happy anymore, and just like i've already said, a f*cking million of times, i can't seem to find my purpose in this life.
Besides that, the problems doesn't seem to go away, the "eye" that judges me is back again, it's a metaphor, but i've made a few comics once to explain how i felt, luckly my depressions stopped after i've made them, but since it always come back to me even worse, i'll probably make new comics.
I'm really angry, sad and disappointed about my life, my actions, and so, i'll probably need time to think and find inside me that thing that always makes me fake my feelings, and smile to everyone.
Here are the comics, but i don't know if i am in the mood to continue them.
So, this is my first post in this blog, and i hope not to be the last one.
I've been a little sad with my life lately, disapointed with really big lots of stuff, and the fact that soon i'll be turning into a man and getting responsabilities, problems, bills, credit cards, work, and more frustating stuff.
The depression i feel is something really interesting, since it inspires me to be more honest and express myself better in whatever i do.
And so, here are the drawings i've done related to my depression.
These drawings("Amateurly" made with MS Paint and edited in Photoshop) are related to the feelings i've felt recently, love, doubt, loneliness.Since nothing in my life happens the way it was supposed to be, i'm in love with a girl that i'll only be able to have her if a miracle happens, too bad, is that i'm starting to think that they don't exist.
About love, well, when i was young, i thought it didn't really exist, then that i was unnable to feel it, and now, i know what it is, how does it feel, and what's like to be in love.
Different from passion(wich is an obsession), love is that feeling that fills your heart with hot cotton, and makes you feel dizzy, and the time you have, you only spend thinking about this person.You don't want to have her for you, you just want to stay close to this person, so you can feel more dizzy.It's when you want to protect her, and probably, you would give your life without asking, if her's were to end.
But the worse, is that when we looked at each other eyes we stand there for a minute or two, but it seemed like the best time of my life, and after that we simply couldn't stay an inch far from each other, seeing her go after that, made me feel bad, specially, because she's already got an asian asshole as boyfriend, who aparently is retarded.
That made me feel good for noticing that she likes me too, but also made me sad, 'cuz the circuntances aren't going on my direction.
Sahara!
