sexta-feira, 30 de outubro de 2009

A Huge portion of Doubt with extra Anger, please?

Another day, trying to forget the yesterday, at least i'm a little more confident to keep my head on top of my neck, instead of just a cloud of disperse problems.

I still can't seem to understand the situation, i always tell people that life without mystery isn't fun at all, but i just wish mine was a little less mysterious, and more pleasant.

I don't know why do i bother thinking about this stuff, at least the blog is turning into my new adiction, even knowing that no one reads it, i feel good letting all that stuff out, it's almost as if i could put my face away from the horrible life i live, and take one good, long and refreshing breath out of all the mess.

I decided to skip the physical exercise routine just for today, since i'm tired, and i'm getting a few good results, i'm a little more healthy and my body is better defined than before, probably it's something that requires persistance, gladly my persistance is stronger if we are talking about physical activities.

But as time seems to pass, i can hardly smile, almost everything disapoints me, i can't enjoy food as i used to anymore, games aren't fun, jokes doesn't have the same feeling as they used to, am i destined to be unhappy?If i could simply rest inside a dark tranquil place, or loose my feelings, maybe the problems could go away.

It's really hard to deal with life when it starts to get REALLY bad, some say that one day, i'll get twice the sadness i've had, in amounts of joy and happyness, some others, that i'll look over everything that happened and laugh, i don't know what to believe, and even if i should believe, but one thing is for sure, i'm not even close to laughing right now.

I just hate my life.

quinta-feira, 29 de outubro de 2009

Tomorow Comes As A Placebo

Today i've decided to fake my happyness until it looked as if i were really happy, and it worked!
Seems like a good night of sleep and some advices from a friend made me wonders, at least i know of one thing for sure:
To hell with my love, i'll just keep being promiscuous untill the time is right to make my move towards her, for now on, i'll be happy with the girls god gives me, and enjoy the small amount of pleasure i can give/get from them.

I was unnable to keep my physical exercise routine today, since i've been doing it the whole week, without resting, or eating well.
But, even though, i was able to do the exercises for 40 minutes, wich is almost what i usually do 1 hour and 20 minutes every day.

It still hurts when i think about everything that made me sad, as i expected, this kind of problems will not go away so easily, also, that means that my heart will not be able to feel better, until i get the oportunity to look at her eyes again(I just hate when love starts to make sense, 'cuz i feel left out, as if i weren't human, or born without the right to love).

I've listened to some music, watched the latest South Park episode, and composed some songs, still no masterpieces, but i feel that i just need a little bit of inspiration, maybe tomorow i'll come up with a cool song to share.


quarta-feira, 28 de outubro de 2009

Even More Depressed, and Confused

Last night i slept well, no dreams, no nightmares, but waking up was bad, the feeling of emptyness made me sick, and so i've had to take some medicine.

I'm very tired of everything related to me, nothing goes well, nothing makes me happy anymore, and just like i've already said, a f*cking million of times, i can't seem to find my purpose in this life.

Besides that, the problems doesn't seem to go away, the "eye" that judges me is back again, it's a metaphor, but i've made a few comics once to explain how i felt, luckly my depressions stopped after i've made them, but since it always come back to me even worse, i'll probably make new comics.

I'm really angry, sad and disappointed about my life, my actions, and so, i'll probably need time to think and find inside me that thing that always makes me fake my feelings, and smile to everyone.

Here are the comics, but i don't know if i am in the mood to continue them.

terça-feira, 27 de outubro de 2009

First Post, Artwork for Depression, and Today's Inner Thoughts

So, this is my first post in this blog, and i hope not to be the last one.

I've been a little sad with my life lately, disapointed with really big lots of stuff, and the fact that soon i'll be turning into a man and getting responsabilities, problems, bills, credit cards, work, and more frustating stuff.

The depression i feel is something really interesting, since it inspires me to be more honest and express myself better in whatever i do.

And so, here are the drawings i've done related to my depression.

These drawings("Amateurly" made with MS Paint and edited in Photoshop) are related to the feelings i've felt recently, love, doubt, loneliness.

Since nothing in my life happens the way it was supposed to be, i'm in love with a girl that i'll only be able to have her if a miracle happens, too bad, is that i'm starting to think that they don't exist.

About love, well, when i was young, i thought it didn't
really exist, then that i was unnable to feel it, and now, i know what it is, how does it feel, and what's like to be in love.

Different from passion(wich is an obsession), love is that feeling that fills your heart with hot cotton, and makes you feel dizzy, and the time you have, you only spend thinking about this person.You don't want to have her for you, you just want to stay close to this person, so you can feel more dizzy.

It's when you want to protect her, and probably, you would give your life without asking, if her's were to end.

But the worse, is that when we looked at each other eyes we stand there for a minute or two, but it seemed like the best time of my life, and after that we simply couldn't stay an inch far from each other, seeing her go after that, made me feel bad, specially, because she's already got an asian asshole as boyfriend, who aparently is retarded.

That made me feel good for noticing that she likes me too, but also made me sad, 'cuz the circuntances aren't going on my direction.