sábado, 21 de novembro de 2009


I've had it right now, after some time thinking, and some "practical experiments", i've discovered that my "loved one" A.K.A. "my curse" has a 90% chance of being pregnant in base of some evidences.
Pregnant girls tend to be more lovely with someone who's up to give them attention, so that might explain the "connection" between us both that i earlier thought it was love.

They also tend to carry some clearly visible habits, they tend get more fragile, emotional, besides that, her belly got a little bigger along the way (Earlier, her mother was suspecting that they were having intercourse without protection, about 4 months.), so, i have reasons to doubt of that possibility.

She was trying to get away from her boyfriend (A.K.A. Retarded Asian Asshole) , but somehow they're going together everywhere now, so i think this, and the other evidences(That i'm not going to write here) are enough to place pregnancy as a reasonable conclusion.

Makes me sad to know that, but i once said to my brother, that if something like that happens, there's always the "plan B"(The plan B consists of me saving some money for 2 years, and then going to europe to forget the problems, i was thinking of Russia, i like their culture, maybe i can fit in there).
I also decided to get my old GF back, so i can start using some drugs, and fuck up my life as much as i can, 'cuz the sooner my life ends, the sooner i'll forget her(Even thought, i don't think that it is possible).

Anyways, i decided to change my life right now, and that's a promise(Please remind me if i forget), no matter what happens i'll follow my way, no one is going to stop me, this feeling, these thoughts made me write something, and i think it's a good one so, i'll post it here.

The Last Cold Feeling (Written by Myself[DB]) This is where it ends, the point where it started. The fruit withered in the tree, it never had it's chance to begin with. A soundless scream goes unheard, from inside my chest, breaking decibels, cutting through ears, as it makes itself visible through my eyes. No one wants to get hurt, but we are all wounded, covered in scars that no one sees. We hide our hearts, but in the end, everything is the same. The end is what i live, the end is what i am, and this is the sign, the Last Cold Feeling.

Also i've made some artwork related to my recent feeling, hope you all enjoy, but i didn't, i'm at my worst times, someone help me.


sexta-feira, 13 de novembro de 2009

Pictures, Thoughts, and a clutch of Handy Advices.

Well first i'll be posting the pictures i promissed earlier, they don't look that neat( because i haven't used the miraculous Photoshop), but they show my happyness, so it's almost like a rare treasure.

I also decided to talk to my brother and ask why he "stabbed me in the back" like that, turned out, that my father was guilty for starting to lecture me, without knowing what was going on in first place (i warned you all before, he's stupid), but at least i don't have to hear my father babbling about putting me into a psychatrist, neither to stop using internet.

I was thinking about the meaning of the word "Boy-toy" a recent term to that younger guys that celebrities date.

A "Boy" isn't a "Man", so let's assume he's just an "Overgrown Boy", he's probably playfull, innocent in certain ways (boys aren't 100% innocent, when i was young the first thing i did when i learned how to climb chairs, was to get the porno video over the wardrobe[good times]), and easy to please.

Toy probably means their function, girls like trouble (by that i mean, they really like to make naughty stuff [they find pleasure in that]), and so they like to manipulate someone to do the dirty job, while they watch and laugh (Boy-toys, they're just like OC, but you can watch it live).

Considering a few relationships i've had, i'm starting to think, that i'm a "Boy-toy" too, girls only treat me the way i'm supposed to, when it comes to money or sex, and that anoys me, i wonder if the whole "boy-toy" thing is just a fashion, or if it exists since the beggining of the times (oh, how i wish love was true...).

But anyways, i also took a walk over the computer and tecnologic commerce, and usually the etinic groups that work in there are mostly composed of Asians, Jews, and Arab people(wich i descend from).

Asians, treat you really bad, no matter what you ask, they will hardly answer(they can't really, they can hardly speak the current country's language), and they just want you to buy something, give them money, and go away, in that cases, go with an asian friend, they tend to treat you well, if you let them manage the trade.

Jewish people like to earn money, so don't ask much questions, buy more and they will treat you better (as long as you keep spending money).

Arab people want you to buy things cheaper, and come back when you need to buy more products, so just talk to them, and the longer the talk takes, the cheaper it will cost.

I hate cliches, but hey! The world is made over them.

sexta-feira, 6 de novembro de 2009

Echoes in a Box

In the last days i haven't talked to my brother, neither my father for what happened.

Somehow it seemed like my brother took a "victim behavior" considering the situation, wich worsened things for me, my father came to my room last night as if the ceiling over our heads were to fall, making questions(not hearing my answers), saying that i was acting strange, and making everyone sad, but there's something to be considered first.

During my whole life(short, compared to people with the same amount of problems), i was always considered responsible for the family dramas that happened,for an example, my stepfather
used to call me "the coal that darkens this family", and my mother called me everything she were, materialist, selfish, and in most cases, an horrible person.
The way my life went after people started blaming me for their faults, didn't changed, everyone says the same thing, and no matter what i do, to stop or avoid the problems, people always blame me.

Just like a monster, it seems that everywhere i go, people look at me, and treat me bad(even when i'm trying to help, while no one cares), it's almost as if i were born with a sign saying "SCAPE GOAT" in big, bold and red so then everyone can blame me.

I don't even understand the argument my father said, that i can't be the only one right, and almost everyone wrong, but from what i know, i'm a loyal friend, i preffer to fix everyone else's problems than mines, and most of the times i keep my wounds to myself, just to not bother anyone with my problems, and yet, i'm still a bad person.
I don't have a mutiple-personality issue, and i can assure that i act this way 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and still they take their own conclusions about me,and they never hear what i'm saying.

That's why i decided to use that phrase on the headline.
After my father said i was wrong, that i don't have any friends, and not even my grandparents liked me, i decided to sit at the Gym, and talk to myself(because at least, i can talk, listen and be heard by myself), while my stepbrother was up in the appartment playing the victim, and my father, probably too.
I was unconfortable, talking to myself, in an empty-old-room, with the low lights, it seemed like i was just talking, and my words were echoes in a box, because no one ever cared about me, and worse than that, i'm always responsible for everyone else's problems without even knowing why.

I've made some Artwork, they look kinda nice:

Sometimes i don't know why that kind of things happen to me, i guess that one day i'll get used.

quarta-feira, 4 de novembro de 2009

Family, the group of people that REALLY don't care about you.

Yesterday was a boring hot day, nothing to do, people being naturally anoying, until the problems started.

My stepbrother(usually a good person, but this time a fucking asshole) got angry 'cause i said a joke about his "addiction" to lie, since he does that to never get problems to himself no matter what it costs, he decided to lie to my father(wich is a good person too, but normally he's a complete idiot that points me as the cause of all the problems that happen, because, he doesn't know me, 'cuz the time he could be raising me and my brothers, him and my mother just left us alone), and the first thing that came to his head is that i was wrong, and my stepbrother was right, without even knowing anything, so i said "mind your own business" and he got angry with my tone, i believe that i can use that tone, since i raised my brothers almost alone, while my mother was spending her husband's money, and my father was living his life away from us.

Then i said that he couldn't talk to me like another ordinary kid(if ordinary kids always are guilty for random things that happen), because he didn't even bother to know more about me and my brothers, since he never took care of us, that made him angry, but i just ignored him, and shouted like a little spoiled kid.

The conclusion i've had is that family isn't what they (used to?)teach in school, family is a group of people, trying to spend less money, increasing the taxes of humiliation, and taking away all the privacy and tranquility of the individuals, my father doesn't know anything about me because he weren't there when i needed someone to take care of me, and he simply can't assume that, even if it's just obvious, the same goes to my stepbrother, who simply can't get problems to himself, and so, he points everyone around, no matter who or what, i guess people these days aren't worth of trust anymore, not even inside your own family.


segunda-feira, 2 de novembro de 2009

Trips come in Handy

Last weekend i went to an old country-style city not far from where i live, it's a nice place, considering some important things that probably apply in similar cases:

- People are a little ignorant, the way they'll treat someone from the city depends on how they look, and since i look like a mix between a Typical North American Redneck and a Geek that likes Rock, the way people looked and treated me oscilated a lot, the local girls seemed to enjoy my look, even the ones older than me.
Older people got shocked by the "not-so-conventional" way i have to dress myself, and so, they seemed to evade me(wich is a good thing since i went there to get away from people).

- The city sleeps as the sun goes away, and so, there's nothing else to do after 6PM, you'll probably want to bring a pc with you, or a handheld, or else, you'll end up taking sleep medicine.

- Prices are very cheap for almost everything, i took advantage of that to buy some acessories like cowboy hats, leather belts, wristbands, and etc.

We(my brother, my father, my mother, and me) went into a rock concert, a rock band called "Rockin' Trio" played a lot of know songs from the 80's - 90's, good stuff, but i got too tired since i walked in the sunllight, trying to find things to buy(and girls to...i didn't had to mention that), and so i went to sleep in the middle of the show.
But the conclusion i've had from the show itself, is that, it is directed to those that want a good time(dance, drink, sing), but without having all the anoying problems of a big show in the city.

I took some time for myself on sunday night, to think about my last problems and(check to see if the condoms[wich were medium size] fit, and for my surprise, they were too small for me!) stuff that happened last week, and ended up with a conclusion:

I'm too young(yet very mature to have such problems and thoughts) to lose the time i could be enjoying a little more with myself, dedicating my feelings and my heart to someone that doesn't even know that i exist, unless i wave right in front of her.

That no matter how bad i feel for not having her, i'll still be the person i am(proud of sometimes...and other times ashamed), the guy that can't even put his feet out in the streets, and the girls(no matter how old, they're, they'll still be girls for me) will look at the bulge in his pants and treat him nice, the boy who likes games filled with violence, and yet, loves refined art.

Well, there's a lot more to tell about myself, but i guess it's better to save it for later.
I'll post some pictures of the show as soon as a i get them.