Family, the group of people that REALLY don't care about you.

Yesterday was a boring hot day, nothing to do, people being naturally anoying, until the problems started.

My stepbrother(usually a good person, but this time a fucking asshole) got angry 'cause i said a joke about his "addiction" to lie, since he does that to never get problems to himself no matter what it costs, he decided to lie to my father(wich is a good person too, but normally he's a complete idiot that points me as the cause of all the problems that happen, because, he doesn't know me, 'cuz the time he could be raising me and my brothers, him and my mother just left us alone), and the first thing that came to his head is that i was wrong, and my stepbrother was right, without even knowing anything, so i said "mind your own business" and he got angry with my tone, i believe that i can use that tone, since i raised my brothers almost alone, while my mother was spending her husband's money, and my father was living his life away from us.

Then i said that he couldn't talk to me like another ordinary kid(if ordinary kids always are guilty for random things that happen), because he didn't even bother to know more about me and my brothers, since he never took care of us, that made him angry, but i just ignored him, and shouted like a little spoiled kid.

The conclusion i've had is that family isn't what they (used to?)teach in school, family is a group of people, trying to spend less money, increasing the taxes of humiliation, and taking away all the privacy and tranquility of the individuals, my father doesn't know anything about me because he weren't there when i needed someone to take care of me, and he simply can't assume that, even if it's just obvious, the same goes to my stepbrother, who simply can't get problems to himself, and so, he points everyone around, no matter who or what, i guess people these days aren't worth of trust anymore, not even inside your own family.

Sahara!

Trips come in Handy

Last weekend i went to an old country-style city not far from where i live, it's a nice place, considering some important things that probably apply in similar cases:

- People are a little ignorant, the way they'll treat someone from the city depends on how they look, and since i look like a mix between a Typical North American Redneck and a Geek that likes Rock, the way people looked and treated me oscilated a lot, the local girls seemed to enjoy my look, even the ones older than me.
Older people got shocked by the "not-so-conventional" way i have to dress myself, and so, they seemed to evade me(wich is a good thing since i went there to get away from people).

- The city sleeps as the sun goes away, and so, there's nothing else to do after 6PM, you'll probably want to bring a pc with you, or a handheld, or else, you'll end up taking sleep medicine.

- Prices are very cheap for almost everything, i took advantage of that to buy some acessories like cowboy hats, leather belts, wristbands, and etc.

We(my brother, my father, my mother, and me) went into a rock concert, a rock band called "Rockin' Trio" played a lot of know songs from the 80's - 90's, good stuff, but i got too tired since i walked in the sunllight, trying to find things to buy(and girls to...i didn't had to mention that), and so i went to sleep in the middle of the show.
But the conclusion i've had from the show itself, is that, it is directed to those that want a good time(dance, drink, sing), but without having all the anoying problems of a big show in the city.

I took some time for myself on sunday night, to think about my last problems and(check to see if the condoms[wich were medium size] fit, and for my surprise, they were too small for me!) stuff that happened last week, and ended up with a conclusion:

I'm too young(yet very mature to have such problems and thoughts) to lose the time i could be enjoying a little more with myself, dedicating my feelings and my heart to someone that doesn't even know that i exist, unless i wave right in front of her.

That no matter how bad i feel for not having her, i'll still be the person i am(proud of sometimes...and other times ashamed), the guy that can't even put his feet out in the streets, and the girls(no matter how old, they're, they'll still be girls for me) will look at the bulge in his pants and treat him nice, the boy who likes games filled with violence, and yet, loves refined art.

Well, there's a lot more to tell about myself, but i guess it's better to save it for later.
I'll post some pictures of the show as soon as a i get them.

Sahara!

A Huge portion of Doubt with extra Anger, please?

Another day, trying to forget the yesterday, at least i'm a little more confident to keep my head on top of my neck, instead of just a cloud of disperse problems.

I still can't seem to understand the situation, i always tell people that life without mystery isn't fun at all, but i just wish mine was a little less mysterious, and more pleasant.

I don't know why do i bother thinking about this stuff, at least the blog is turning into my new adiction, even knowing that no one reads it, i feel good letting all that stuff out, it's almost as if i could put my face away from the horrible life i live, and take one good, long and refreshing breath out of all the mess.

I decided to skip the physical exercise routine just for today, since i'm tired, and i'm getting a few good results, i'm a little more healthy and my body is better defined than before, probably it's something that requires persistance, gladly my persistance is stronger if we are talking about physical activities.

But as time seems to pass, i can hardly smile, almost everything disapoints me, i can't enjoy food as i used to anymore, games aren't fun, jokes doesn't have the same feeling as they used to, am i destined to be unhappy?If i could simply rest inside a dark tranquil place, or loose my feelings, maybe the problems could go away.

It's really hard to deal with life when it starts to get REALLY bad, some say that one day, i'll get twice the sadness i've had, in amounts of joy and happyness, some others, that i'll look over everything that happened and laugh, i don't know what to believe, and even if i should believe, but one thing is for sure, i'm not even close to laughing right now.

I just hate my life.
Sahara!

Tomorow Comes As A Placebo

Today i've decided to fake my happyness until it looked as if i were really happy, and it worked!
Seems like a good night of sleep and some advices from a friend made me wonders, at least i know of one thing for sure:
To hell with my love, i'll just keep being promiscuous untill the time is right to make my move towards her, for now on, i'll be happy with the girls god gives me, and enjoy the small amount of pleasure i can give/get from them.

I was unnable to keep my physical exercise routine today, since i've been doing it the whole week, without resting, or eating well.
But, even though, i was able to do the exercises for 40 minutes, wich is almost what i usually do 1 hour and 20 minutes every day.

It still hurts when i think about everything that made me sad, as i expected, this kind of problems will not go away so easily, also, that means that my heart will not be able to feel better, until i get the oportunity to look at her eyes again(I just hate when love starts to make sense, 'cuz i feel left out, as if i weren't human, or born without the right to love).

I've listened to some music, watched the latest South Park episode, and composed some songs, still no masterpieces, but i feel that i just need a little bit of inspiration, maybe tomorow i'll come up with a cool song to share.

Sahara!

Even More Depressed, and Confused

Last night i slept well, no dreams, no nightmares, but waking up was bad, the feeling of emptyness made me sick, and so i've had to take some medicine.

I'm very tired of everything related to me, nothing goes well, nothing makes me happy anymore, and just like i've already said, a f*cking million of times, i can't seem to find my purpose in this life.

Besides that, the problems doesn't seem to go away, the "eye" that judges me is back again, it's a metaphor, but i've made a few comics once to explain how i felt, luckly my depressions stopped after i've made them, but since it always come back to me even worse, i'll probably make new comics.

I'm really angry, sad and disappointed about my life, my actions, and so, i'll probably need time to think and find inside me that thing that always makes me fake my feelings, and smile to everyone.

Here are the comics, but i don't know if i am in the mood to continue them.

First Post, Artwork for Depression, and Today's Inner Thoughts

So, this is my first post in this blog, and i hope not to be the last one.

I've been a little sad with my life lately, disapointed with really big lots of stuff, and the fact that soon i'll be turning into a man and getting responsabilities, problems, bills, credit cards, work, and more frustating stuff.

The depression i feel is something really interesting, since it inspires me to be more honest and express myself better in whatever i do.

And so, here are the drawings i've done related to my depression.


These drawings("Amateurly" made with MS Paint and edited in Photoshop) are related to the feelings i've felt recently, love, doubt, loneliness.

Since nothing in my life happens the way it was supposed to be, i'm in love with a girl that i'll only be able to have her if a miracle happens, too bad, is that i'm starting to think that they don't exist.

About love, well, when i was young, i thought it didn't really exist, then that i was unnable to feel it, and now, i know what it is, how does it feel, and what's like to be in love.

Different from passion(wich is an obsession), love is that feeling that fills your heart with hot cotton, and makes you feel dizzy, and the time you have, you only spend thinking about this person.You don't want to have her for you, you just want to stay close to this person, so you can feel more dizzy.
It's when you want to protect her, and probably, you would give your life without asking, if her's were to end.

But the worse, is that when we looked at each other eyes we stand there for a minute or two, but it seemed like the best time of my life, and after that we simply couldn't stay an inch far from each other, seeing her go after that, made me feel bad, specially, because she's already got an asian asshole as boyfriend, who aparently is retarded.

That made me feel good for noticing that she likes me too, but also made me sad, 'cuz the circuntances aren't going on my direction.

Sahara!